...or at least what you don't hear beyond all the excitement of baby shoes and pink onesies, is that parenting is the hardest thing you will ever do. Well, it is for me anyway.
Lately, being a parent has been more like a pouring out of myself until I am dry, weary, and so tired, I can't think straight. Sometimes I just want to push pause and come back to this parenting thing when I feel more prepared.
There have been conversations I haven't been ready for (more on that later), failing discipline tactics, my own frustration/anger issues, weariness of 24/7 care for needy little ones, and a pile of parenting books on my bedside table glaring at me.
There are tremendous joys to parenting, but that's not what I am focusing on today. I mean, I am aware of them and not blocking them out, but I just want to be transparent with the hard side...the pull out your hair, curl up in a ball and cry because you don't know what to do side.
Parenting sometimes baffles me. It is the most intense wonderful thing to love these little versions of us. It brings a heart warmth between spouses and smiles of wonder and joy at how amazing the whole process of birth and growth is. BUT, then there are times where you just wish those kids would feed themselves, and stop yelling, fighting, biting, grabbing, standing on you, spilling things, etc...
Yes, this comes from a weary soul today. My child has been waking up in the night for almost a week now...and like waking up repeatedly. I think I'd rejoice if I actually got 4 hours of straight sleep. And in this whole puzzlement of what the problem is, there is also this insane amount of energy and hyperactivity that corresponds with an overtired individual. While I am dragging myself around and trying to just keep us all alive, I've got a 4 year old jumping on the couch, running into walls, tackling his sister, etc...
I don't know why sometimes parenting can squeeze you so tight you feel like you've given your every last drop of being to someone else. I don't know if it's in that pouring out, that weakening of body, mind, and spirit, where we can be drawn into something much bigger than ourselves.
I know that I can't do this alone. I feel it intensely in these moments. I need the Source of all things to fill me up so that I can keep on. And while I wish there was a magic clicking of my heels that could change it all and make it better, I know that in these desperate moments I can either let myself fall or find myself carried by One that knows greater than I what needs to be done.
This adventure is not something you can do on your own. I am certain of it.
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