...or at least what you don't hear beyond all the excitement of baby shoes and pink onesies, is that parenting is the hardest thing you will ever do. Well, it is for me anyway.
Lately, being a parent has been more like a pouring out of myself until I am dry, weary, and so tired, I can't think straight. Sometimes I just want to push pause and come back to this parenting thing when I feel more prepared.
There have been conversations I haven't been ready for (more on that later), failing discipline tactics, my own frustration/anger issues, weariness of 24/7 care for needy little ones, and a pile of parenting books on my bedside table glaring at me.
There are tremendous joys to parenting, but that's not what I am focusing on today. I mean, I am aware of them and not blocking them out, but I just want to be transparent with the hard side...the pull out your hair, curl up in a ball and cry because you don't know what to do side.
Parenting sometimes baffles me. It is the most intense wonderful thing to love these little versions of us. It brings a heart warmth between spouses and smiles of wonder and joy at how amazing the whole process of birth and growth is. BUT, then there are times where you just wish those kids would feed themselves, and stop yelling, fighting, biting, grabbing, standing on you, spilling things, etc...
Yes, this comes from a weary soul today. My child has been waking up in the night for almost a week now...and like waking up repeatedly. I think I'd rejoice if I actually got 4 hours of straight sleep. And in this whole puzzlement of what the problem is, there is also this insane amount of energy and hyperactivity that corresponds with an overtired individual. While I am dragging myself around and trying to just keep us all alive, I've got a 4 year old jumping on the couch, running into walls, tackling his sister, etc...
I don't know why sometimes parenting can squeeze you so tight you feel like you've given your every last drop of being to someone else. I don't know if it's in that pouring out, that weakening of body, mind, and spirit, where we can be drawn into something much bigger than ourselves.
I know that I can't do this alone. I feel it intensely in these moments. I need the Source of all things to fill me up so that I can keep on. And while I wish there was a magic clicking of my heels that could change it all and make it better, I know that in these desperate moments I can either let myself fall or find myself carried by One that knows greater than I what needs to be done.
This adventure is not something you can do on your own. I am certain of it.
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
Monday, July 30, 2012
Silver Dollar City
My parents wanted to take the kids to Silver Dollar City in Branson, MO, so we made a little trip down there while visiting them in Kansas. The kids had fun. It was hot and tiring, but we all survived and Nora only had a meltdown after we got in the car our second day there.
While we were there we got to see a couple shows, one of which was the Nik Wallenda show. If you don't know who he is (because you are a busy stay at home mom who doesn't watch tv or keep up with the news like me) then just google his name. Apparently, he walked a wire across Niagara Falls recently. Pretty crazy stuff. So the show with his family was in SDC and they DID NOT use any sort of harnesses or nets for safety measures. I was so nervous through the whole thing that I could hardly breath properly. It was pretty amazing, but I don't think I'd want to watch again. There was this part where they asked everyone to be as quiet as possible because they needed absolute concentration and Nora started whining for more food (she had already had 2 chocolate chip granola bars). I pulled out a 3rd one and frantically gave it to her because I could just see the beginnings of a tantrum and I did not want to be responsible for anyone's death.
When I look at this picture of our family it is hard to believe how big our kids are.
We had Nora go on this ride because for some reason the height requirement was only 34 inches instead of 36 inches (which all other rides were). Since she is only 34 inches she couldn't ride many rides but she wanted to ride everything. She is the one that loves a good thrill (remember she was the one who loved tubing).
Well, and as you can see, she did not like this one. She was fine until the water splashed her in the face. Her Daddy didn't think to shield her and she got a rude awakening. Otherwise, I think she would have liked it.
We had a great time being with my family and it was a great memory making time with the kids. I went to SDC a lot growing up so I have a lot of my own family memories there. It is always fun to continue that tradition now that I have my own children.
Friday, July 27, 2012
This is your life...are you who you want to be?
We've been doing a lot of listening to Switchfoot in our car lately. And this phrase strikes me every time.
This is your life..are you who you want to be?
More often than not I feel like my answer is very far from an enthusiastic "yes", but more like an embarrassed "no."
Today, I am sunk in a puddle of guilty motherhood and my answer to this question is more like, "NO!"
The question that arises in me then, is: If I'm not who I want to be, then what do I need to do to change that?
The things that stick out to me like a sore thumb:
I'm often impatient with my kids. I have a really hard time "managing" things and get frustrated that my kids are constantly interrupting any plans I may have. I don't do well with constant neediness, tantrums, screaming, and sibling fights.
I wallow in self pity sometimes, especially when I feel devoid of friends and lonely in my days of staying at home. I want to be popular...like maybe have my phone ring sometimes. :) But, I don't want to base my self worth on whether or not I have friends asking me to do something, or how many comments I have on my blog etc...
I don't spend enough time being still and listening for God's voice. And then somehow I still have high expectations to hear it. I feel like I am overpowering His still small voice with my constant asking for grace and help in my day to day. I want to be more at rest.
I want to be someone who finds complete satisfaction in my relationship with Jesus. I want all else to fade away. Yes, I would love more friends and maybe quieter and more well-behaved children, but that should not be my sole focus.
I guess it is about needing to find that place where I know that I can meet with God. To become who I am supposed to be with His goals and plans and to find that I am who I want to be because I am honoring Him.
This is your life..are you who you want to be?
More often than not I feel like my answer is very far from an enthusiastic "yes", but more like an embarrassed "no."
Today, I am sunk in a puddle of guilty motherhood and my answer to this question is more like, "NO!"
The question that arises in me then, is: If I'm not who I want to be, then what do I need to do to change that?
The things that stick out to me like a sore thumb:
I'm often impatient with my kids. I have a really hard time "managing" things and get frustrated that my kids are constantly interrupting any plans I may have. I don't do well with constant neediness, tantrums, screaming, and sibling fights.
I wallow in self pity sometimes, especially when I feel devoid of friends and lonely in my days of staying at home. I want to be popular...like maybe have my phone ring sometimes. :) But, I don't want to base my self worth on whether or not I have friends asking me to do something, or how many comments I have on my blog etc...
I don't spend enough time being still and listening for God's voice. And then somehow I still have high expectations to hear it. I feel like I am overpowering His still small voice with my constant asking for grace and help in my day to day. I want to be more at rest.
I want to be someone who finds complete satisfaction in my relationship with Jesus. I want all else to fade away. Yes, I would love more friends and maybe quieter and more well-behaved children, but that should not be my sole focus.
I guess it is about needing to find that place where I know that I can meet with God. To become who I am supposed to be with His goals and plans and to find that I am who I want to be because I am honoring Him.
Thursday, July 26, 2012
Kansas Trip: Summer 2012 Pt. 2
After a great time with Seth's family, we headed over to my parent's house. For some reason, I decided to get my camera out at this point, so this post will be picture heavy.
Here's a little bit of what we did:
Played games with Mimi
While the men napped (very typical Sunday afternoon)
Hugged on Papa
Went to Deanna Rose
Pumped water (one of Aidan's favorite things to do at DR)
Caught a fish for the first time!
Fed the goats some bottles! Nora LOVED this!
Told those goats about "Mama"
Rode tractors (his legs are finally long enough!)
Hung out with our Spykerman friends and met baby Levi
Played in the dirt/sand
Actually, this was only within our first couple of days because we took a trip with my fam to Branson and Silver Dollar City. But, more to come on that later because I've got bread that needs to come out of the oven.
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
Kansas Trip : Summer 2012
We drove to Kansas June 29th....a whole long 18 hours straight in the car. We left around 6:30am and got in close to midnight. It was a LONG day. I did a lot of prep before this trip so that I would have lots of activities for the kids and also good organization. I will share all of that in another post though.
We arrived late that night and the kids went to sleep around 12, only to wake up at 6am. We couldn't believe it! They were excited to be there, but 6 hours wasn't going to cut it for too long. :)
We spent the first 8 days with Seth's family and had a really nice time. I wish I had taken more pictures, but we spent a lot of time at the pool (it was sooo hot!) and I didn't feel like taking it with us most days. The kids had a blast swimming and being with family.
The husband and I got to go on a few dates while we were there. I made him take some pictures of me the night we went out for Indian food. He bought me this dress for my birthday and I hven't had much of chance to wear it, but I love it!
We arrived late that night and the kids went to sleep around 12, only to wake up at 6am. We couldn't believe it! They were excited to be there, but 6 hours wasn't going to cut it for too long. :)
We spent the first 8 days with Seth's family and had a really nice time. I wish I had taken more pictures, but we spent a lot of time at the pool (it was sooo hot!) and I didn't feel like taking it with us most days. The kids had a blast swimming and being with family.
The husband and I got to go on a few dates while we were there. I made him take some pictures of me the night we went out for Indian food. He bought me this dress for my birthday and I hven't had much of chance to wear it, but I love it!
We tried to beat the heat by doing a few things indoors with the kids too! We went to see a free movie at the Legends one morning and then checked out the Johnson County Museum. They have a free children's exhibit and it was actually really cool. They spent a long time at everything and I couldn't believe that I had never really heard much about it before.
Nora started feeling sick towards the end of the week and I took her to the doctor where they told me she probably was just dealing with allergies. The very next day (our last day with Seth's family) she woke up from her nap crying hard and saying, "ear hurt." Sure enough, she had an ear infection and the start of pink eye. We started treatment for it right away and thankfully she felt better within a short time and none of us lost much sleep over it.
to be continued...
22 months
Nora,
Oh, you are a bright spot in our lives! It is hard to believe that you are soon going to be 2 years old (especially since I am writing this monthly letter 2 weeks late).
You are turning in to a big girl with lots of personality and lots of preferences. You are a great communicator and are putting words into sentences all the time. You say so many funny things and repeat things you hear in that cute little voice that it makes me want to stop and soak it all in because I know soon it will change and you will be talking clearly and carrying on conversations like you've done it all your life.
You are a delight to observe. You play very well and have such a fun little personality. You can keep busy at something for a long time. You love to gather toys and carry them places and you love to get dressed up in hats, carry purses, and put on shoes. We never know what kind of ensemble you will put together!
You love to eat, but are picky about some foods. Your taste for food is more unique and you aren't into eating pizza, hot dogs, hamburgers, or sandwiches. You would prefer hummus, minestrone soup, couscous, or noodles of any kind. You are a juice drinker and really would rather drink juice or milk all day instead of water.
You are a good sleeper and take one good longer nap a day, but can easily skip it and be happy for the day if need be. You usually have a melt down around dinnertime, but you survive. :)
You love to swim. You are affectionate and kind. You love your brother. You are high energy. You smile a lot. You scream a lot too! You love to sing songs and read books. You love your baby dolls. You love stuffed animals (especially bears and monkeys). You are fearless in a lot of ways, but also timid in others. You are outgoing with most people, but give some people "the face." You are pleasant. You love to be outside.
You have started throwing tantrums more and more lately, but you seem to respond well to correction. You like to be consoled and loved on after you receive discipline. I know that the tantrums will probably decrease as better communication occurs.
You love life and we love watching you enjoy it so much. You are a blessing!
Love,
Mama
Friday, July 20, 2012
Keeping it Real
Yesterday was hard.
We are coming off a nearly 3 week vacation and back to the reality of life in South Carolina.
We were welcomed home by the smell of rotting potatoes (oops) and fire ant invasion in our kitchen. Our air conditioner was not working properly either, but THANK THE LORD started up finally and we had some cool air before the night was through.
With the ants taking over the kitchen, my oven sitting somewhere in the middle of the room (so we can track where the ants are coming from) and all the crap from packed bags overflowing with dirty laundry, toys, and other odds and ends from the last few weeks, my life feels a little crazy.
The kids were pushing my buttons. Throwing fits at every turn and I was not going to have it. This isn't Grandma's house anymore little people! There was a lot of disciplinary action and patience needed. Both of which I wanted to just throw to the wind and say "forget it, I'm too tired and busy."
It was a grueling day. And Seth was gone from 6:30ish in the morning until almost 9pm. So, I was on my own. Or at least that was my thought. I spent a lot of my day in a mental game of "just get through this" while gritting my teeth and wanting to scream half of the time that I was "done." But, I pushed and pushed and each hour passed (slowly, but moving in the right direction at least).
We got in the car to run some errands and I drove by a man holding a sign that said, "Jesus is Alive." Sometimes I look at those people and find myself thinking, "You can do more things for Jesus than stand in the freaking hot weather and hold a sign about him." I mean, seriously, don't people already know that, or at least if they don't then they may not really care. (I know, horrible glimpse into my thought life.) But, for some reason, when I saw the sign, my response was, "Thank you Jesus." I needed that. And if that man was standing out all day in the heat for me, then I was grateful. I was encouraged. I'm not doing this alone. Jesus is alive! He is with me. In that small moment I was encouraged and reminded of my need for Him.
I am so thankful that Jesus can send someone to stand in the heat and proclaim the truth for me. What a humbling thing to have Him reach out to my in the middle of my ugliness.
We are coming off a nearly 3 week vacation and back to the reality of life in South Carolina.
We were welcomed home by the smell of rotting potatoes (oops) and fire ant invasion in our kitchen. Our air conditioner was not working properly either, but THANK THE LORD started up finally and we had some cool air before the night was through.
With the ants taking over the kitchen, my oven sitting somewhere in the middle of the room (so we can track where the ants are coming from) and all the crap from packed bags overflowing with dirty laundry, toys, and other odds and ends from the last few weeks, my life feels a little crazy.
The kids were pushing my buttons. Throwing fits at every turn and I was not going to have it. This isn't Grandma's house anymore little people! There was a lot of disciplinary action and patience needed. Both of which I wanted to just throw to the wind and say "forget it, I'm too tired and busy."
It was a grueling day. And Seth was gone from 6:30ish in the morning until almost 9pm. So, I was on my own. Or at least that was my thought. I spent a lot of my day in a mental game of "just get through this" while gritting my teeth and wanting to scream half of the time that I was "done." But, I pushed and pushed and each hour passed (slowly, but moving in the right direction at least).
We got in the car to run some errands and I drove by a man holding a sign that said, "Jesus is Alive." Sometimes I look at those people and find myself thinking, "You can do more things for Jesus than stand in the freaking hot weather and hold a sign about him." I mean, seriously, don't people already know that, or at least if they don't then they may not really care. (I know, horrible glimpse into my thought life.) But, for some reason, when I saw the sign, my response was, "Thank you Jesus." I needed that. And if that man was standing out all day in the heat for me, then I was grateful. I was encouraged. I'm not doing this alone. Jesus is alive! He is with me. In that small moment I was encouraged and reminded of my need for Him.
I am so thankful that Jesus can send someone to stand in the heat and proclaim the truth for me. What a humbling thing to have Him reach out to my in the middle of my ugliness.
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