Wretched Like Me

Growing up in a family that was heavily involved in Christian ministry, I was pretty much constantly surrounded by Gospel living. I went to a private Christian school within that community and most of my friends were from families also heavily involved in ministry. It was a living, breathing,, disciple building atmosphere. I loved it.

As a child, serving God was easy. I had everything I needed. I had Godly parents to train me, a church to attend, friends who uplifted me, and a great school. It was a pleasure to be a Christ follower. And, I knew that it wasn't the case for everyone. I was naive in a lot of ways, but I had heard my fair share of "sinner" stories. I was always grateful that "I didn't have to be saved from something major" that "I had just always been a Christian." I continued to think this way for many years of my life. Always thanking God that I was never having to be freed from some addiction, rescued from a bad relationship, or in such a low place that God was my last hope. I was something of an "elite" Christian. I had never known an ultimate low. I just always "had God."

It's almost funny to me now, although a little sad. I don't really think I was wrong in my thoughts and behavior. I was truly grateful for God having kept me from spiraling into sin. The only problem was that I just did not have a good sense of how great the Gospel really is. I accepted, believed, and confessed it. I knew that it was the greatest gift, that it was the "good news" that made life worth living. I just did not realize how much I actually needed it until I matured more.

Amazing grace
How sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me

I sang that hymn time and again, believing that I had been saved, but not recognizing my own wretchedness. I had never done anything entirely bad. I sinned for sure, but it was mostly small offenses. It was easy for me to feel forgiven because I didn't see the weight of my sin to be just as horrible and ugly as anyone else's.

I don't know if this is a typical response to sin for kids growing up the way I did. I think it is easy to sometimes fool yourself into thinking that somehow you don't need saving as much as the next guy.

Oh, but how wrong I have been.

Realizing my absolute wretchedness, sinfulness, and separation from God makes me that much more desiring of the Gospel and grace that is offered to me. I have come to see it more and more as I grow older. The person I used to think was "pretty good" is still so needy for God. I am just as needy as the rapist, as the murderer, as the addicted soul. I am no better in my sin. He came to save us all and even if our offenses seem "less" they still are.

All have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.

 There is nothing more glorious or glamorous about my "lack of sin." Sinner. That is all. We are all wretched and in need of a Savior.

But this news does not make me feel a sense of foreboding or despair because it is the greatest news of all! A Savior came for ALL and I am just as in need of Him as anybody else. His robes of righteousness cover my sin and make what was once crimson as white as snow. He doesn't hold back or play favorites, He gives this gift freely.

And as if in response to my own thoughts, these same words and ideas jumped out at me again during Day 2 of the She Reads Truth study of Hosea.

The blog post accompanying today's reading was really spot on with my thought processes the last few days.

Here's just a little snippet:

"Being found isn’t as beautiful if you don’t admit you were once lost. Receiving sight isn’t so miraculous if you weren’t once blind. Being a people of His own possession, adopted by a Heavenly and righteous Father, named as daughters of the King Almighty—those things aren’t as incredible if we don’t look full-on at the bad news first. To embrace the gospel-richness of Hosea, we must first embrace that this book is about you and me.

Once we were not His people.

Just like Hosea willingly chose Gomer—even more so—the Lord looked upon us and saw fit to make us His people. This should cause us to marvel at His goodness and give Him praise! Never once did our Father flinch at the plan (after all, it was His to begin with!) to reach out and retrieve us from a life of isolation and rebellion and make us His people."

The first sentence sums it up well for me...."Being found isn't as beautiful if you don't admit you were once lost." I have found that the older I get, the more I see my "lost" ways, my wretched heart, and need for a Savior. And all the more then I can marvel at the beauty of what He has done!

This is your life...are you who you want to be?

We've been doing a lot of listening to Switchfoot in our car lately. And this phrase strikes me every time.

This is your life..are you who you want to be?


More often than not I feel like my answer is very far from an enthusiastic "yes", but more like an embarrassed "no."

Today, I am sunk in a puddle of guilty motherhood and my answer to this question is more like, "NO!"

The question that arises in me then, is: If I'm not who I want to be, then what do I need to do to change that?

The things that stick out to me like a sore thumb:

I'm often impatient with my kids. I have a really hard time "managing" things and get frustrated that my kids are constantly interrupting any plans I may have. I don't do well with constant neediness, tantrums, screaming, and sibling fights.

I wallow in self pity sometimes, especially when I feel devoid of friends and lonely in my days of staying at home. I want to be popular...like maybe have my phone ring sometimes. :) But, I don't want to base my self worth on whether or not I have friends asking me to do something, or how many comments I have on my blog etc...

I don't spend enough time being still and listening for God's voice. And then somehow I still have high expectations to hear it. I feel like I am overpowering His still small voice with my constant asking for grace and help in my day to day. I want to be more at rest.

I want to be someone who finds complete satisfaction in my relationship with Jesus. I want all else to fade away. Yes, I would love more friends and maybe quieter and more well-behaved children, but that should not be my sole focus.

I guess it is about needing to find that place where I know that I can meet with God. To become who I am supposed to be with His goals and plans and to find that I am who I want to be because I am honoring Him.

Reality Check.

Sometimes I go back and read my past entries and smile, thinking to myself how lovely everything seems (except for those random Ican'tstandmychildanylonger posts).

The reality with me is this...

I have so far to come in learning to trust the Lord. And, I really stink at it most days.

The biggest thing going on in life besides the fact that I am still not getting consistent sleep at night is the fact that our house has still NOT SOLD. Nada, nothing, blah, blah, blah. This is the greatest frustration of my daily life.

Now, I have wavered back and forth between feeling hopeful, trusting, and confident in the Lord's provision regardless the outcome.....and feeling mad, frustrated, and absolutely hopeless. If it is not one extreme it seems to be the other.

You see folks...this decision to move was HUGE for us. It was also not easily made. We were kinda stuck financially and the promotion was really great...but the move was the controversial issue.

So, here we sit. 7 months later. We moved here and I just knew that God would provide a buyer soon after....but nope, that didn't happen. And, I don't handle things well when they don't go according to the plan...you know, the plan, the one that I have for my life. Can't God just do what I want? I mean, come one now, it seems perfectly reasonable... Wouldn't He want to remove this HUGE stressor? We have been struggling as we pay both a mortgage and rent, have one car, live in a small apartment that we obviously have outgrown... BUT that really doesn't matter.

The fact that the house selling pretty much allows me to feel like I can't start living my life here, does not mean that I can't start living, growing, and learning what God wants me too. I hate feeling stuck, but I've allowed myself to get really stuck. Because I feel stuck financially, and out of control because of the huge unknown of the house situation, I feel like I am stuck between a mountain and mountain and have thrown up my hands and started to wallow in self-pity.

REALITY CHECK.

My life might be made a whole ton of a lot simpler if the house sells. We may just be able to make future decision regarding a car, what to do when our lease is up in a couple months, preschool etc...We also might feel a LOT more freedom financially.

These are not Kingdom things. These are temporal. They have no weight in eternity. But, I am so caught up in them at times, I can't seem to get my head straight.

And then I hear about my friend's 4 month old baby that has cancer, or see the devastation of tornadoes, or hear about house fires....and I know my situation is lovely in comparison. I can deal with this. I can respond to the Lord and focus on TODAY. I don't need to constantly wonder and worry about tomorrow. I don't need to know the when. Abraham waited years for God's promise of a son. But God always makes good on His promises.

Well, there's my little soapbox...

Just needed to preach to myself a little bit there.