And at it's culmination, I feel a love-hate relationship with 2013

Oh, this year. This year was tough for me. I was pregnant for 1/2 of it (and miserably so) and then I gave birth and found myself floundering in this motherhood x3 state where I felt completely out of control, sleep deprived, and unsure of myself.

I yelled more this year than I wanted to. I cried and boo-hooed about my sad little life taking care of everyone else's needs 24/7. I didn't relish who I was or what I was doing, but pretty much just pity partied it most of the time.

Oh 2013, when I look at what I was like this year, I feel a little ashamed.

But, there's HOPE...and I'm sure JOY and PEACE are waiting to be found too! What great news this is...the news of the Gospel, really. Jesus took all my shame and my poor behavior, and my 3 year old like tantrums about this year and wiped all that muck away. I can truly shine in His light and I don't have to be ashamed anymore.

I hope someday when my kids look back on our memories together (although few were compiled this year), they will not remember the Momma who lost it time and again, and just couldn't seem to snap out of the drudgery of the season. I hope they can read this and see me in my real-ness and my openness as a testimony of goodness that I cannot claim as my own.

To my son....

I hope that you know that I love you even though I often act most frustrated with you. I have been overjoyed watching you learn at home and at school. Helping you learn to read and watching you take off with it has been so neat. You have also learned how to ride a bike without training wheels, memorized ALL of your Awana book in one semester, and started relying on Jesus more. You have started praying aloud, speaking words of faith, and asking God to be the Lord of your life. Hands down, some of my favorite moments of this year! I am so very proud of you. I have watched you take your passion for solving problems and come up with a plan to go door to door asking for money and food items to donate to a local non-profit. You spent a whole hour in the bitter cold knocking on doors and bravely stating your mission. You are a going to be a world changer!

Aidan, my prayer for you this year is that you would grow in wisdom and that you would have ears to hear the Word of God. That you would be courageous and outspoken for the Kingdom. That you would continue to be a problem solver who seeks to make right what is wrong in this world. And, that you would serve others with unselfishness, desire to speak the truth, and remain passionate in all you do.

To my eldest daughter...

As the middle child. sometimes I fear you are overlooked. I do my best to love you and connect with you, but know that I often fall short because of my own selfish desires. You have been such a light in our lives this year, even with your struggles with having a new sibling. You have sung a lot, played make believe until you crashed (somewhere sprawled out on the floor, stairs, couch etc...), made us laugh (a lot!), hugged us and loved on us, and spurred us on to greater depths of creativity.

Nora, my prayer for you this year is that you remain true to yourself. That you don't lose your independent and creative spirit and that you continue to be a beacon of light to all those you come in contact with. May you increase your passion for music, your love and understanding of God, and your heart to obey.

P.S. I chose this picture of you because it's just well...so YOU. Crazy hairstyle, Snow White dress, and playing store.

To my littlest...

Enna, you came to me at a time where I felt weary of soul and heart and I struggled to find a way to embrace all your intensity with joy and acceptance. I love you truly, but deep down resented the struggles you imposed. Enna, "renewer" as your name means...I see now that you are truly that. But first, you came and helped me weed out all the muck in my heart....the renewing part that is ugly and unattractive. I see that you brought out a desperation in me that I had yet to feel as a mother, and in that I began to understand this process of renewal. Your sweet smiles and giggles and our new rhythm together has been like fresh cool water to me. You delight my heart, even on the darkest days.

Enna, my prayer for you is that you grow healthy and strong this year. That you find love everywhere you look and that you continue to help me grow as a mother. I pray that you will teach us all to enjoy life in the moment and not take things for granted.


While I still feel like I've got a long way to go, I'm hopeful for what lies ahead this year. We've truly had a busy year after moving across the country just 14 months ago, living with my parents for 3 months, getting pregnant, moving in our new home in January, having a baby, starting the homeschool journey with Aidan, and going to a new church. Whew! It's been quite a ride.

So long 2013, you've been great...err terrible...I mean good. :)

Enna- 5 months

Enna,

I'm almost 2 weeks late in writing this little monthly update and I have no good pictures to contribute, but nevertheless I must write before I skip 5 months altogether!

It's been a busy month and by far my favorite with you. You have suddenly blossomed into such a fun baby and so interactive. The bloody murder screamy days are behind us (crossing fingers) and you are surprising us with your easy-going manner.

You still sleep very little during the day, with a random long nap thrown in every couple weeks or so (I think you finally decide you need to catch up a bit). You do sleep about 13-14 hours a night and wake once (sometimes twice) between 4-6 to eat. You usually are in bed between 7:30-8 and wake anytime from 7:30-9:30, with the average being close to 9am. I love that you sleep in, but wish your brother and sister would sleep longer too! You have no predictable nap routine and I've learned to just throw all expectations or schedule ideas out the window...you will not conform to a set pattern, but just do your thing day in and day out. You can stay awake for hours on end and still be smiling and playing like you have all the energy in the world.

Your favorite things right now:
-putting things in your mouth
-reaching for and grabbing everything(even your feet!)
-scratching on every new surface (Aidan did this same thing)
-playing in your exersaucer (all the time!)
-going places (church, someone's house, anywhere that has new, fun things to look at)
-screaming with delight, giggling at your siblings
-looking at books with fun colors and pictures
-being sung to by Mommy or Daddy
-sucking your thumb

Things you used to hate, but now don't mind:
-riding in the car used to be an all out screamfest, but now you are quiet and happy and often fall asleep (gasp!)
-you went through a phase of being freaked out about baths for a few weeks, but now are fine with it again
-taking walks in the stroller
-sleeping in your bed!
-putting yourself to sleep (this is a case by case basis, but we are making HUGE progress!)
-waking up in your bed (it used to be a horrible tragic thing to find yourself in there, but now you roll over and coo for awhile unless you have a gas bubble)

Oh Enna, you are a constantly changing wonder. You have definitely forsaken the pacifier now and prefer your thumb (only the right one like your older brother did). You do know how to suck it both lying on your back, stomach, or sitting upright in the carseat (which is probably the reason you are the first of our children to fall asleep easily in the car at this age). You finally started soothing yourself to sleep and sometimes lay your head right down, but other naps you scream and roll around and get all worked up. You don't fall fast asleep in the baby carrier anymore, but you still like to be carried. You love to nurse to sleep on occasion, but don't need to and sometimes won't go to sleep even when I try to nurse you to sleep. There just isn't that ONE thing that I can say I've got figure out with you.

You are going to be the life of the party in this family. Oh wait...we already have 2 of those! :) You never want to stop and take a break from the action. You give all sorts of eye contact to people around you and great big smiles. We get lots of comments on how HUGE your mouth opens when you smile (or cry). You are going to a be an early mover I think....not certain, but you seem to want to get places like the other two did.

You got 2 teeth this month (the earliest of the 3), but you are still our tiniest baby overall. At your 4 month appt. (1 week late), you weighed in at 13 lbs. 9 oz. and were 25.5 inches long. The smallest by 1.5 lbs. and longest by 1/2 an inch! You are still a great nurser and eat about 6 times every day. I started you on rice cereal and you still only eat once a day. I've tried a few other foods, but you seem to not like food as much as the cereal (which is pretty much just thickened breastmilk at this point).

You are so sweet and everybody loves you! We are really enjoying you more and more and can't wait to see your personality blossom even more in the coming months.

Love,

Mama