I yelled more this year than I wanted to. I cried and boo-hooed about my sad little life taking care of everyone else's needs 24/7. I didn't relish who I was or what I was doing, but pretty much just pity partied it most of the time.
Oh 2013, when I look at what I was like this year, I feel a little ashamed.
But, there's HOPE...and I'm sure JOY and PEACE are waiting to be found too! What great news this is...the news of the Gospel, really. Jesus took all my shame and my poor behavior, and my 3 year old like tantrums about this year and wiped all that muck away. I can truly shine in His light and I don't have to be ashamed anymore.
I hope someday when my kids look back on our memories together (although few were compiled this year), they will not remember the Momma who lost it time and again, and just couldn't seem to snap out of the drudgery of the season. I hope they can read this and see me in my real-ness and my openness as a testimony of goodness that I cannot claim as my own.
To my son....
I hope that you know that I love you even though I often act most frustrated with you. I have been overjoyed watching you learn at home and at school. Helping you learn to read and watching you take off with it has been so neat. You have also learned how to ride a bike without training wheels, memorized ALL of your Awana book in one semester, and started relying on Jesus more. You have started praying aloud, speaking words of faith, and asking God to be the Lord of your life. Hands down, some of my favorite moments of this year! I am so very proud of you. I have watched you take your passion for solving problems and come up with a plan to go door to door asking for money and food items to donate to a local non-profit. You spent a whole hour in the bitter cold knocking on doors and bravely stating your mission. You are a going to be a world changer!
Aidan, my prayer for you this year is that you would grow in wisdom and that you would have ears to hear the Word of God. That you would be courageous and outspoken for the Kingdom. That you would continue to be a problem solver who seeks to make right what is wrong in this world. And, that you would serve others with unselfishness, desire to speak the truth, and remain passionate in all you do.
To my eldest daughter...
As the middle child. sometimes I fear you are overlooked. I do my best to love you and connect with you, but know that I often fall short because of my own selfish desires. You have been such a light in our lives this year, even with your struggles with having a new sibling. You have sung a lot, played make believe until you crashed (somewhere sprawled out on the floor, stairs, couch etc...), made us laugh (a lot!), hugged us and loved on us, and spurred us on to greater depths of creativity.
Nora, my prayer for you this year is that you remain true to yourself. That you don't lose your independent and creative spirit and that you continue to be a beacon of light to all those you come in contact with. May you increase your passion for music, your love and understanding of God, and your heart to obey.
P.S. I chose this picture of you because it's just well...so YOU. Crazy hairstyle, Snow White dress, and playing store.
To my littlest...
Enna, you came to me at a time where I felt weary of soul and heart and I struggled to find a way to embrace all your intensity with joy and acceptance. I love you truly, but deep down resented the struggles you imposed. Enna, "renewer" as your name means...I see now that you are truly that. But first, you came and helped me weed out all the muck in my heart....the renewing part that is ugly and unattractive. I see that you brought out a desperation in me that I had yet to feel as a mother, and in that I began to understand this process of renewal. Your sweet smiles and giggles and our new rhythm together has been like fresh cool water to me. You delight my heart, even on the darkest days.
Enna, my prayer for you is that you grow healthy and strong this year. That you find love everywhere you look and that you continue to help me grow as a mother. I pray that you will teach us all to enjoy life in the moment and not take things for granted.
While I still feel like I've got a long way to go, I'm hopeful for what lies ahead this year. We've truly had a busy year after moving across the country just 14 months ago, living with my parents for 3 months, getting pregnant, moving in our new home in January, having a baby, starting the homeschool journey with Aidan, and going to a new church. Whew! It's been quite a ride.
So long 2013, you've been great...err terrible...I mean good. :)
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