And at it's culmination, I feel a love-hate relationship with 2013

Oh, this year. This year was tough for me. I was pregnant for 1/2 of it (and miserably so) and then I gave birth and found myself floundering in this motherhood x3 state where I felt completely out of control, sleep deprived, and unsure of myself.

I yelled more this year than I wanted to. I cried and boo-hooed about my sad little life taking care of everyone else's needs 24/7. I didn't relish who I was or what I was doing, but pretty much just pity partied it most of the time.

Oh 2013, when I look at what I was like this year, I feel a little ashamed.

But, there's HOPE...and I'm sure JOY and PEACE are waiting to be found too! What great news this is...the news of the Gospel, really. Jesus took all my shame and my poor behavior, and my 3 year old like tantrums about this year and wiped all that muck away. I can truly shine in His light and I don't have to be ashamed anymore.

I hope someday when my kids look back on our memories together (although few were compiled this year), they will not remember the Momma who lost it time and again, and just couldn't seem to snap out of the drudgery of the season. I hope they can read this and see me in my real-ness and my openness as a testimony of goodness that I cannot claim as my own.

To my son....

I hope that you know that I love you even though I often act most frustrated with you. I have been overjoyed watching you learn at home and at school. Helping you learn to read and watching you take off with it has been so neat. You have also learned how to ride a bike without training wheels, memorized ALL of your Awana book in one semester, and started relying on Jesus more. You have started praying aloud, speaking words of faith, and asking God to be the Lord of your life. Hands down, some of my favorite moments of this year! I am so very proud of you. I have watched you take your passion for solving problems and come up with a plan to go door to door asking for money and food items to donate to a local non-profit. You spent a whole hour in the bitter cold knocking on doors and bravely stating your mission. You are a going to be a world changer!

Aidan, my prayer for you this year is that you would grow in wisdom and that you would have ears to hear the Word of God. That you would be courageous and outspoken for the Kingdom. That you would continue to be a problem solver who seeks to make right what is wrong in this world. And, that you would serve others with unselfishness, desire to speak the truth, and remain passionate in all you do.

To my eldest daughter...

As the middle child. sometimes I fear you are overlooked. I do my best to love you and connect with you, but know that I often fall short because of my own selfish desires. You have been such a light in our lives this year, even with your struggles with having a new sibling. You have sung a lot, played make believe until you crashed (somewhere sprawled out on the floor, stairs, couch etc...), made us laugh (a lot!), hugged us and loved on us, and spurred us on to greater depths of creativity.

Nora, my prayer for you this year is that you remain true to yourself. That you don't lose your independent and creative spirit and that you continue to be a beacon of light to all those you come in contact with. May you increase your passion for music, your love and understanding of God, and your heart to obey.

P.S. I chose this picture of you because it's just well...so YOU. Crazy hairstyle, Snow White dress, and playing store.

To my littlest...

Enna, you came to me at a time where I felt weary of soul and heart and I struggled to find a way to embrace all your intensity with joy and acceptance. I love you truly, but deep down resented the struggles you imposed. Enna, "renewer" as your name means...I see now that you are truly that. But first, you came and helped me weed out all the muck in my heart....the renewing part that is ugly and unattractive. I see that you brought out a desperation in me that I had yet to feel as a mother, and in that I began to understand this process of renewal. Your sweet smiles and giggles and our new rhythm together has been like fresh cool water to me. You delight my heart, even on the darkest days.

Enna, my prayer for you is that you grow healthy and strong this year. That you find love everywhere you look and that you continue to help me grow as a mother. I pray that you will teach us all to enjoy life in the moment and not take things for granted.


While I still feel like I've got a long way to go, I'm hopeful for what lies ahead this year. We've truly had a busy year after moving across the country just 14 months ago, living with my parents for 3 months, getting pregnant, moving in our new home in January, having a baby, starting the homeschool journey with Aidan, and going to a new church. Whew! It's been quite a ride.

So long 2013, you've been great...err terrible...I mean good. :)

Enna- 5 months

Enna,

I'm almost 2 weeks late in writing this little monthly update and I have no good pictures to contribute, but nevertheless I must write before I skip 5 months altogether!

It's been a busy month and by far my favorite with you. You have suddenly blossomed into such a fun baby and so interactive. The bloody murder screamy days are behind us (crossing fingers) and you are surprising us with your easy-going manner.

You still sleep very little during the day, with a random long nap thrown in every couple weeks or so (I think you finally decide you need to catch up a bit). You do sleep about 13-14 hours a night and wake once (sometimes twice) between 4-6 to eat. You usually are in bed between 7:30-8 and wake anytime from 7:30-9:30, with the average being close to 9am. I love that you sleep in, but wish your brother and sister would sleep longer too! You have no predictable nap routine and I've learned to just throw all expectations or schedule ideas out the window...you will not conform to a set pattern, but just do your thing day in and day out. You can stay awake for hours on end and still be smiling and playing like you have all the energy in the world.

Your favorite things right now:
-putting things in your mouth
-reaching for and grabbing everything(even your feet!)
-scratching on every new surface (Aidan did this same thing)
-playing in your exersaucer (all the time!)
-going places (church, someone's house, anywhere that has new, fun things to look at)
-screaming with delight, giggling at your siblings
-looking at books with fun colors and pictures
-being sung to by Mommy or Daddy
-sucking your thumb

Things you used to hate, but now don't mind:
-riding in the car used to be an all out screamfest, but now you are quiet and happy and often fall asleep (gasp!)
-you went through a phase of being freaked out about baths for a few weeks, but now are fine with it again
-taking walks in the stroller
-sleeping in your bed!
-putting yourself to sleep (this is a case by case basis, but we are making HUGE progress!)
-waking up in your bed (it used to be a horrible tragic thing to find yourself in there, but now you roll over and coo for awhile unless you have a gas bubble)

Oh Enna, you are a constantly changing wonder. You have definitely forsaken the pacifier now and prefer your thumb (only the right one like your older brother did). You do know how to suck it both lying on your back, stomach, or sitting upright in the carseat (which is probably the reason you are the first of our children to fall asleep easily in the car at this age). You finally started soothing yourself to sleep and sometimes lay your head right down, but other naps you scream and roll around and get all worked up. You don't fall fast asleep in the baby carrier anymore, but you still like to be carried. You love to nurse to sleep on occasion, but don't need to and sometimes won't go to sleep even when I try to nurse you to sleep. There just isn't that ONE thing that I can say I've got figure out with you.

You are going to be the life of the party in this family. Oh wait...we already have 2 of those! :) You never want to stop and take a break from the action. You give all sorts of eye contact to people around you and great big smiles. We get lots of comments on how HUGE your mouth opens when you smile (or cry). You are going to a be an early mover I think....not certain, but you seem to want to get places like the other two did.

You got 2 teeth this month (the earliest of the 3), but you are still our tiniest baby overall. At your 4 month appt. (1 week late), you weighed in at 13 lbs. 9 oz. and were 25.5 inches long. The smallest by 1.5 lbs. and longest by 1/2 an inch! You are still a great nurser and eat about 6 times every day. I started you on rice cereal and you still only eat once a day. I've tried a few other foods, but you seem to not like food as much as the cereal (which is pretty much just thickened breastmilk at this point).

You are so sweet and everybody loves you! We are really enjoying you more and more and can't wait to see your personality blossom even more in the coming months.

Love,

Mama

Enna- 4 months

Enna,

There are no words to describe these pictures---eek! heart melting cuteness! You are a bundle of sweetness mixed with some intense personality. 

You were pretty much sick this entire month and it was hard for us. We spent A LOT of time together, you and me. You decided that Mommy was best for sleeping on, and that sleeping was way overrated, but we persevered through it all.

You pretty much stopped napping longer than 30 minutes give or take 10. You can even sleep for 5 minutes in the car and call it good. Crazy baby! You take about 3 naps a day (very short naps) which usually take awhile to get you settled down for. I tend to let you sleep in the baby carrier more often than not because it's the no hassle no fuss way to get you to conk out. If you think I'm trying to get you to take a nap, you all out scream like your life depends on it.

For all the lack of sleeping ( although, did I mention, you are doing pretty well at night?), you are pretty content and happy to be playing. You love your exersaucer and you pretty much stay in that most of the time while drooling, chewing on your hands, and grinning from ear to ear at us.

You are social. You love to talk and coo and smile at us all the time, but you also like your space and don't always like the hugs and squeezes you get from your siblings.

You are pretty easy to take places (an on the go baby), but being at home is hard because you hate to settle down to sleep and it makes it hard with our schedule and trying to homeschool!

You decided that you are now freaked out about taking a bath and scream like crazy when I put you in the water...on the flip side you giggle when I change your diaper. 

My favorite thing with you is nursing you every day. You are so sweet and you rub your little hands on me as you eat. You nurse a lot during the day. I started nursing you more on demand when you were sick so we haven't gotten back to a schedule really. I'd say you nurse about 2-3 hours though most of the time. 

You are such a great addition to our family and I am so blessed to have you. God is so good to us and we are so grateful for you.

Mama

Halloween 2013

Ugh...I'm almost a month behind in posting this!

Life is busy and full....full of good things, but just keeps me on my toes most of the time.

Nora is "Snow White" almost every day, so it seemed easy enough to just have her be that for Halloween. I crocheted up a little hat for Enna and she went as "Snow White's apple."

Aidan was supposed to be the Transformer "Bumblebee", but he decided the day of Halloween that he wanted to be a pirate again...so I dug through some boxes and scrounged up his costume from last year.

These 3. So blessed. So full of life over here.

Crazy to think that Enna was just beginning to form in my belly last year unbeknownst to me at the time...and here we are a year later!

So They Say...Funny Stuff I Don't Want to Forget

Nora was playing with a decorative cross that was sitting outside next to our koi pond. She looked up and said, "This is where Jesus died."

Nora praying one day as we got in the car (after a particularly not so great day full of naughtiness and my wrong responses): "Dear God, help us to be kind and good and that everybody can play on the Kindle." :)

Aidan was walking around the house with a stud finder. He put it on Enna and exclaimed, "This thing thinks Enna is made of wood!"

Asked Nora what happened to her face (there was a scratch on her forehead). She replied (sung to the tune of Jingle Bells) "Aidan, Aidan, Aidan all the way!"

Nora adding "d" to the end of things:
Do you want some root beerd?
It's a dinosaurd!
Juice makes my bottom sored.

Aidan explaining Gobstoppers:
"They get lighter and then they lose their strength."

I asked Nora what the snake's name was in the Garden of Eden. Her reply? "I don't know....naughty words?"

Nora asked me if we could pet animals at the zoo. I said, "No, I don't think so." She asked, "Are they fragile?" Aidan piped in and said, "Just the females!"

Nora stated after she had been punished: "My eyebrows are pouting!" (she often furrows her eyebrows when unhappy)

Aidan told Nora that her drawings of people did not look like people so he drew one of his own to show her how. She looked at his drawing and said, "That looks like a cricket!"

Awhile back I had told a story about my Grandma getting confused thinking a bar of soap she was given as a gift was supposed to be edible. She was gnawing on it and then exclaimed that it was soap and we all thought it was so hilarious. I don't remember directly telling this to the children, but they must have overheard because about a month later I was telling Nora not to eat toothpaste (she was sneaking in the bathroom during the day) and she replied, without missing a beat, "You said a Grandmother ate soap last day." I cracked up laughing and was shocked at her response.

Nora was walking behind Seth at the grocery store and he let out some gas (quietly). That girl has quite a nose and she loudly exclaimed, "Daddy, you have a stinky bottom!"

Louisburg Cider Mill-10-26-13

The last time we went to the cider mill Nora was just 3 weeks old and Aidan was barely 2.5. It was way more fun this time with the kids being older.

Trying to get a picture of these two without a pained expression on someone's face is so hard these days. Can't believe how big they are getting!

Enna's favorite place to sleep: on Mommy, but also in a baby carrier. My carrier of choice right now is the Lille baby. Very similar to the Ergo, but less bulky and the fit is more comfortable for me. Still gives the right kind of support to my back and shoulders though. I use this almost every day!

I was really wanting to get some pics of me and my girls. Unfortunately, Enna was sleeping during a lot of this outing, but I got to get some fun pics with my sweet Nora. She is such a delight and joy!

Love her!

And another...people say we look a lot alike, but I actually think she looks more like Seth's family.

Sun in their eyes, but holding hands. :) They are actually not too far off in height! Nora is wearing almost the same size clothes as Aidan and they are 2 years apart! People always assume they are closer in age.

Hay ride!

Love the confused expression on Nora's face!

And little Enn woke up to enjoy the ride too although it was a little bouncy!

Hill slide: This was new to us! The kids got filthy, but they went on the hay ride twice so they could go slide, so I would say it was a hit. :)

Enna was wearing a hat (by me) and a sweet little knit cardigan (from a friend).

When this girl is happy, it makes the world seem right. 

Waiting for cider donuts and apple cider! Trying to get a picture of all 3 is nearly impossible. Aidan loves to hold Enna though!

Me and the mill...a picture taken by a stranger. :)

My little Enna bear finally awake and helping me model my crocheted items (hat on Enna, scarf on me). It was such a gorgeous sunny day!

3 months: Enna

Enna,

You are the sweetest little thing right now! How I love your big eyes and smiles. You are so active and aware and love to interact with the world.

This month has been fun. You started sleeping 10-12 hours straight at night for a couple of weeks. I was pretty surprised by your sudden sleep change after getting up several times a night with you for  the first 2 months. Then, you got a cold and started waking up again. I really can't complain though because you are still sleeping from about 8-4 or 5am and then again until around 7:30-8. Your naps on the other hand are pretty short and you don't like to go to sleep during the day. It seems like some days napping is easy for you and others you fight it all day long. 

Putting you to sleep is the hardest part of life with you right now, although some days you put yourself to sleep with minimal crying. You have changed preferences so many times  it's hard to know what to do for you. It used to be that you had to stand and be bounced, but now we can sit and rock you. You liked to be held upright, but then cradled, and now upright again. You took a pacifier to be rocked, then your thumb, and now your fists or thumb or nothing. You used to like being patted, but now you know we are there and you want to be picked up. And, screaming usually wore you out that we could pick you up and you'd relax, but now you just want to look around and talk instead. Oh Enna, I long for predictability with you, but I also know that it will come with time and that will also mean you are older and I'm not sure I'm ready for that either.

You are super content during the day when you are awake, which makes the lack of napping much easier on all of us. You can sit happily for long periods of time in your bouncy seat (your preferred place to "play"). You also love to be talked to and just like to look around at everything and everyone. You have your fussy time in the evening and want to just sit on our laps or be held.

Your smile is huge and you really smile with your whole face. You are starting to talk more and you are close to giggling. Oh, I can't wait!

You do not take a bottle still and you nurse about 6 or so times a day. You eat every 2ish hours right now, but sometimes go 3-4 in the afternoon. You weigh somewhere between 13-14 lbs. and are at least 25 inches long (or longer). You are wearing 6 month stuff already because you are so long and lean. 

You are such a fun part of our family and I love how everyone loves on you. I so enjoy your sweet little snuggles and I can't wait to get to know you better.

Love,

Mama

Aidan- 5.5

Aidan at 5.5 years old

Likes:

-holding/kissing/talking to Enna

-reading

-SCHOOL

-playing Super Mario

-playing with friends

-riding your bike

-Awana

New things about you:

Learned how to ride a bike without training wheels (10-7-13)

Started reading books on own with very little help sounding out words 

Earned your wings and first jewel at Awana

Started cleaning room by yourself and doing a great job

Aidan,

You are still a bundle of energy, 100% passionate about what you are doing. I love hanging out with you and listening to you talk. You absorb knowledge at a phenomenal rate. I love to hear your funny questions about the world and like how you enjoy life. You have taught me a lot about life and it's been fun to see you mature and grow. You are a good big brother and love your baby sister so much. We are still working on your relationship with Nora. You are a smart, helpful, and super silly. I can't believe you are already 1/2 way to being 6! It's fun to see you grow up, but I know I'll miss these years with you someday.

Love, Mama

Catching Up

Life is so busy these days and I feel like I'm running on autopilot. I never have enough time to get everything done in a day that I want or even really need to do. But, I'm learning to let go more and more and accept that things will not be perfect.

This bubbly sweet little peanut will be 3 months old in a week! It's flying by and I have been feeling melancholy about it. I really don't desire to be pregnant again, but I'm also not ready to be experiencing my "last" baby yet. I know that ultimately God will have to show me what He desires for our family and I need to just rest in that and enjoy the sweet innocence a baby brings. This picture was actually one of her first smiles I caught on camera at around 5 weeks old. She smiles all the time now and is even on the verge of giggling.

These 3 cutie pies all lined up just melt my heart. My sister's little miracle twin baby boys are exactly 3 months older than Enna. The funny thing is that she is catching up to them fast! She is not quite as big as Lane (on the right), but has surpassed Eli (left).

Right before Enna was 2 months old we flew to PA for my cousin's wedding and Grandma's 80th birthday. It was a sweet time with family...potentially one of the most memorable times I've ever had there (and there have been many!). My grandma is one of the strongest women you'd ever meet. She amazes me time and again. It was wonderful to see her and have her meet Enna.

We've been trying to get out for walks most evenings to savor the nice Fall-ish weather and also to soak up the last bit of sunlight before the time changes and the darkness of winter comes upon us (can you tell I'm excited?). Enna likes her stroller and looking at all the trees. The older two either run or ride bikes. It's a great way to end the day!

The other thing that Enna loves right now is getting a bath. She can be fussy and then I plop her in the warm water and she just gets all calm and full of smiles. I love her sweet little rolls!

It's a Hard Knock Life...

...for Nora, that is. :)

Poor thing keeps falling asleep in random places at random times, but NOT in her bed and NOT during quiet time. Quiet time is really anything but quiet these days. And yes, she wears clothes, but had spilled water on them, had a huge screaming fit about it, took them off, and then huffed up the stairs...I guess she didn't quite make it. :)

Moments of "Normal"

The other night we went on a walk as a family. It was a perfect cool evening, giving us a glimpse of fall weather. Enna wasn't screaming in the stroller. It was lovely.

When we came to the park the older two ran to the swings and I ran with them, pushing them and giving underdogs. As I ran, and pushed, and laughed...I felt some normal creeping in.

When you've been in a season of life where your whole body is consumed with growing another little person, and this process makes you sick, tired, and cumbersome, you forget...you forget what it is to run and play and enjoy the pushing of the swings.

I took a picture to remind myself that there are moments of "normal." They come and go these days.

He Giveth More Grace

Oh to live life in a way that I could fully embrace and understand grace!

This 3 kid gig has been stretching me in ways that I had not quite imagined. I find myself needing an extra hand or two, but having to do with what I've got instead. :)

There have been times of desperate brokenness, a feeling like I can't do one more thing for one more person, and a pouring out of myself to such a degree that I hardly recognize who I am. Sounds a little extreme, I know, but that is where I've found myself at times.

One night, after having spent most of the day holding a screaming baby, cleaning up potty accidents, and disciplining my oldest, I fell to my knees in my bedroom, lifted my arms in surrender, and just asked the Lord (in my very desperate voice) to please help me. I didn't even know how I wanted Him to do it, just to HELP in any way. This became my cry for days on end as we struggled through some very tough weeks with everyone.

In the midst of it all, I found my prayers were changing. They were more like "Lord, change me...help me to love, help me to be thankful..." instead of "Please help this baby to stop crying and go to sleep,"  and "Please help my children to stop doing things to hurt each other!" I saw a softening of my heart that I had not felt in awhile. I was embracing them even when I didn't feel like it, thanking God for them when they were driving me to utter madness, and loving them even when they were throwing themselves on the floor and screaming about everything I was doing to ruin their lives.

I found that speaking things regardless of my feelings helped me even more. I would smile and say, "Do you know that Mommy loves you so much?" when my middle child was crying for the thousandth time about something silly. I would tell them that they were God's gifts to me so that I could remember it and treat them like it, instead of acting like they were nuisances in my life. And even though I still felt poured out in every way, I was able to actually receive the grace that was waiting there for me.

Now, I haven't been doing this perfectly and there are days that I react wrongly, that I forget their value, and I lose it over something small. Then, I laugh a little and think that God must see me as a tantrum throwing 3 year old sometimes...and how embarrassing that must be for me even though I don't see it. Yet, He loves me through the roller coaster of it all.

A couple weeks ago I went to Pennsylvania to visit my mom's side of the family for my cousin's wedding and Grandma's 80th birthday. While we were there we had this wonderful time singing hymns together. My aunt had printed out some copies of one of my Grandma's favorites, one I had never heard before. As they sang, tears were starting to fill my eyes as I realized that this song was for me. I brought home the words so I could read them again.

He Giveth More Grace

He giveth more grace as our burdens grow greater,
He sendeth more strength as our labors increase;
To added afflictions He addeth His mercy,
To multiplied trials he multiplies peace.

When we have exhausted our store of endurance,
When our strength has failed ere the day is half done,
When we reach the end of our hoarded resources
Our Father's full giving is only begun.

Fear not that thy need shall exceed His provision,
Our God ever yearns His resources to share;
Lean hard on the arm everlasting, availing;
The Father both thee and they load will upbear.

His love has no limits, His grace has no measure,
His power no boundary known unto men;
For out of His infinite riches in Jesus
He giveth, and giveth, and giveth again.

Enna- 2 month letter

Enna,

You are actually 10 weeks old today and Mama is way behind on blogging due to the fun you have brought to our everyday life. :)

You have mellowed out some in the past month. You are smiling all the time now and love to be talked to. You definitely get A LOT of attention around here--sometimes too much for you to handle. You are the most smiley and talkative in the early morning and when you get your diaper changed.

You started sleeping longer hours in the night when I took you to PA this month for my cousin's wedding/Grandma's birthday. You traveled well on the plane, but HATED the car ride from Philadelphia to where we were staying. Most car rides were rather screamy, but you learned a little flexibility while we were there. You have tolerated the car much better in the past 2 weeks.

Now that you are only waking about once a night, I am starting to feel more rested, but look forward to a full night's sleep happening in the next few months. You are not easy to wake for a dream feed, so your longest stretch is usually from 7-8 pm until 3-4am. I wish you would start that stretch at 10 or 11, but it doesn't look like it's going to happen.

You love to be outside and like taking walks in the stroller as long as you don't have to be in your carseat. You like baths and your bouncy seat. And, you stay pretty content sometimes just lying on your back on the bed looking around.

You are super alert and have great head control which is something that people notice right away. You are soaking up the world around you and wanting so much to interact with it. I think that is probably why you struggle to nap during the day sometimes.

You are sleeping in your room all the time now and sleep on your tummy. You like to suck on your fist and pacifier to sleep. You don't put yourself to sleep very well, but prefer to be rocked or held. You also like to have your bottom patted. You are finally letting me sit when holding you when you are tired, so that is an improvement. There has been a lot less crying/screaming in our days and that makes me very grateful. You also love to sleep in the baby carrier. If you are having a rough day I strap you in there and you usually go right to sleep.

We are enjoying you so much. I sometimes feel sad that I don't always have as much time to spend loving on you, but I think you don't mind too much.

Love,

Mama

You weighed 11 lbs. 9 oz. and were 23 in. long at your 2 month checkup. That puts you in the 50th percentile for weight and 70th for height.

Nora's 3rd Birthday

Nora's birthday was on September 10th, but we celebrated a few days early with our family by going to the Old Settler's Day Parade and then going back to our house for a light lunch and cake. It was fun little time and we enjoyed celebrating Nora.

The kids loved the parade and enjoyed sitting by the curb. The rest of us sat under the shade of a tree.

Enna did great and slept pretty much the whole time!

I made this birthday banner the night before. I cut the letters out with scrapbook paper and then glued them onto card stock and strung it up with twine. I hope to use it for years to come. 

Nora requested a heart cake with pink icing and sprinkles. I saw something similar on Pinterest, so I gave it a shot.