He Giveth More Grace

Oh to live life in a way that I could fully embrace and understand grace!

This 3 kid gig has been stretching me in ways that I had not quite imagined. I find myself needing an extra hand or two, but having to do with what I've got instead. :)

There have been times of desperate brokenness, a feeling like I can't do one more thing for one more person, and a pouring out of myself to such a degree that I hardly recognize who I am. Sounds a little extreme, I know, but that is where I've found myself at times.

One night, after having spent most of the day holding a screaming baby, cleaning up potty accidents, and disciplining my oldest, I fell to my knees in my bedroom, lifted my arms in surrender, and just asked the Lord (in my very desperate voice) to please help me. I didn't even know how I wanted Him to do it, just to HELP in any way. This became my cry for days on end as we struggled through some very tough weeks with everyone.

In the midst of it all, I found my prayers were changing. They were more like "Lord, change me...help me to love, help me to be thankful..." instead of "Please help this baby to stop crying and go to sleep,"  and "Please help my children to stop doing things to hurt each other!" I saw a softening of my heart that I had not felt in awhile. I was embracing them even when I didn't feel like it, thanking God for them when they were driving me to utter madness, and loving them even when they were throwing themselves on the floor and screaming about everything I was doing to ruin their lives.

I found that speaking things regardless of my feelings helped me even more. I would smile and say, "Do you know that Mommy loves you so much?" when my middle child was crying for the thousandth time about something silly. I would tell them that they were God's gifts to me so that I could remember it and treat them like it, instead of acting like they were nuisances in my life. And even though I still felt poured out in every way, I was able to actually receive the grace that was waiting there for me.

Now, I haven't been doing this perfectly and there are days that I react wrongly, that I forget their value, and I lose it over something small. Then, I laugh a little and think that God must see me as a tantrum throwing 3 year old sometimes...and how embarrassing that must be for me even though I don't see it. Yet, He loves me through the roller coaster of it all.

A couple weeks ago I went to Pennsylvania to visit my mom's side of the family for my cousin's wedding and Grandma's 80th birthday. While we were there we had this wonderful time singing hymns together. My aunt had printed out some copies of one of my Grandma's favorites, one I had never heard before. As they sang, tears were starting to fill my eyes as I realized that this song was for me. I brought home the words so I could read them again.

He Giveth More Grace

He giveth more grace as our burdens grow greater,
He sendeth more strength as our labors increase;
To added afflictions He addeth His mercy,
To multiplied trials he multiplies peace.

When we have exhausted our store of endurance,
When our strength has failed ere the day is half done,
When we reach the end of our hoarded resources
Our Father's full giving is only begun.

Fear not that thy need shall exceed His provision,
Our God ever yearns His resources to share;
Lean hard on the arm everlasting, availing;
The Father both thee and they load will upbear.

His love has no limits, His grace has no measure,
His power no boundary known unto men;
For out of His infinite riches in Jesus
He giveth, and giveth, and giveth again.