That's me alright.
Things have just gotten to be almost too much. I am trying to pray through it all, to rely on the Lord, and be positive, but I just hate feeling like I am literally 2 seconds away from breaking down. I hate to blog about this too, but I want to look at it for what it is...to accept the situation and hope to learn from it.
It's hard moving miles and miles away from home and family to a smaller apartment, having only one car for transportation, the stress of a house back at home to pay for, and the ever growing difficulty with Aidan. I am thankful for so much and realize how "rich" I am compared to so many. Yet, I have really struggled these past 2 weeks.
There is a whole lot of financial strain with the house in Kansas and it causes a lot of stress in our household. Then there is figuring out the car situation. If I want the freedom to get out and about (which is almost mandatory with Aidan) then I have to take Seth to work and he has to get a ride home, or he has to get a ride to work. It's just an extra pain....kinda like the fact that our dishwasher doesn't work and they are ordering us a new one, but don't know when it will come. :)
I think the thing that really does me in more than anything is hearing Aidan say he would rather make me mad than love me. Seeing him do deliberate disobedient and downright mean things and then thinking it funny when it hurts me (both emotionally and physically) is so depressing. I am constantly praying for patience and wisdom, but I lose it so many times with him. As I put him down for a nap today, he kept telling me to cry. It is like he loves the idea of seeing me sad and hurt by his actions. I have spanked him and sent him to timeout so many times it seems like that is all we can do in a day. He is destructive, pushing chairs and his highchair over, throwing things, yelling, fussing, whining, pushing me, talking back, throwing fits, climbing on things, pulling things apart...and I can't seem to stand it anymore. I am starting to feel like a candidate for one of those Nanny 911 shows, expect for the fact that I am trying really hard to deal with him patiently and lovingly, and giving him consequences for his actions. I really have been wanting to send him to preschool a couple days a week, but with things like they are with our house and finances, it just doesn't seem possible. I feel like his bad behavior is ruling the house and ruining our days. I can't do anything besides keep tabs on him and deal with him, but I have another baby to take care of and a household to clean. He won't play by himself at all and I sit and play with him, or read to him, but the minute I put my attention to anything else, he starts going crazy. I seriously don't know what the answer is anymore. Just prayer and love, I guess. I have been trying so hard to be a good mom to him that it kills me to see how much he wants to destroy me instead of respond to me. I guess today just made me sad because once I got Nora down for a nap this morning, I sat and played Legos with him for like 45 minutes and then read to him for 30 minutes. Then, when I made a quick phone call to set up an appointment with a new pediatrician, he started pushing things over and yelling so loudly, I couldn't even hear the lady talking to me. What is a mother to do?
Well, that's that. This is what consumes me right now.
krista,
ReplyDeletei know exactly how you feel. i feel like i have been running on empty for several weeks, and to top it off, i got the stomach flu last week and was trying to rest while taking care of parker and then my car was in the shop for over a week so i had to drive james 40 minutes each way to work and then drive myself to work and parker to the babysitter's and i felt/feel like i could break down any second.
hang in there--it will get better and easier even if it takes a little time.
silvy
Sorry that things are rough right now, Krista. Tonight at bible study we were looking at ephesians were it talks about how God has given us everything we need for life and godliness. Take comfort that God has given you all you need through the holy spirit to care for and love aidan and nora!
ReplyDeleteI almost cried reading this. Krista! Having two kids has been the hardest adjustment in my life, and I can't imagine doing that while also moving my life hundreds of miles away from everything I knew.
ReplyDeleteI thought of a couple things. One, that I wish I had advice for you, ha! But I don't, just commiseration. I think a fear every mother has is that their child is the only child who acts this way. Let me tell you though, if it's any consolation, that there have been moments, terrifying moments, when I am seriously being overpowered by Simone. The emotional power she has over me (at times) is very disturbing. And when a toddler is giving off negative energy, you are right, it affects the entire house. So, if you were wondering, Aidan isn't awful, he's normal.
Also, I think it's refreshing and good to be honest with yourself. That it's freaking hard! I've been down that road before, of feeling guilty for the slightest complaining, because other people have it worse, but I don't think anyone can argue with a young mother that there is nothing more exasperation, exhausting, confusing, helpless feeling, than raising young'ns. They're crazy!
And I've noticed a trend in my life, that when I start being honest with myself, there is a breakthrough around the bend. Maybe circumstantial, maybe personal and inward, but God is completely aware of your struggles and waiting for just the right time to lavish you with blessings. And until then, He is there as a reservoir of strength.
I hope there are moments of peace today. And that Jesus opens Aidan's little 2 yr. old eyes to the amazing mother he has in you. And chin up! Have you forgotten that you have super powers? You're a mama!
My heart hurts for you. I'm so sorry for all you're going through and wish I lived close so I could help. Not that I would be much help since I'm learning to handle two kids as well and stay cooped up in the house most of the time. I will be praying for you, and I sincerely mean that. I've been reading a little on prayer and realized that this is a huge area I am lacking in. Particularly in praying for others. But I want to fight the battle with you and this is how I can. Much love to your precious family.
ReplyDeletekrista, i had a hard adjustment going from 1 to 2 kids. some people don't, but i definately did. at least you know lots of moms went through the same exact thing and made it out alive. that's what i'd tell myself in the middle of the night, nursing..."moms have done this for thousands of years, right?"
ReplyDeleteand also, 2 year olds are demon possessed. i was convinced of it when layne was a toddler. it was not a great time. keep up your consistancy...it'll pay off. and it will GET BETTER!