Well, it's definitely no big news around here that we deal with our fair share of tantrums on a daily basis. We are actually perfecting the art of tantrum throwing and will be starting a class on "How to Scream So Loud You Cannot Hear Anything at All" or for an alternate title, we are also considering, "How to Never Get Your Way But Still Reach Your Emotional Outburst Quota of the Day."
So, in this intense season of tantrum perfection God has been speaking to my heart.
Just little things here and there, but the impact has been BIG.
It's hard to love someone who pushes against your will. It just is.
Yes, I love always, I say. But sometimes I don't like. But, is it just that? Or am I choosing only to love the lovely, and cringe, roll my eyes, and throw my own gnarly big person fit when my world gets a little rocked?
The answer there scares me.
I don't want my love to be with conditions.
So, if love means playing that I am Aladdin and asking Jasmine "Do you trust me?" so that we can go on our 1,258th carpet ride of the day, then so be it.
If it means I cuddle longer, kiss little hands, look deep in to blue eyes and say, "I love you so much!" then let it be.
Tonight, as I cuddled the warm sweet bundle of my 3 year old daughter, lying in her toddler bed with my legs dangling over at the knees, and my face covered with soft blonde hair, I smelled her sweet breath and heard her snores as her body relaxed and drifted into sleep. The same little sweetness that just moments ago wanted to talk about "Puddleglum" from C.S. Lewis' "The Silver Chair" while rubbing my back.
I almost missed it.
I wanted her to just go to sleep already so I could get busy with my "me" time.
Yet, this stirring, this call to love more, deeper, and unselfish has unsettled me. I can't say no as easily or push aside the neediness with excuses of laundry and dishes piled high.
Yes, there are things that need to get done. I can't just play all day and not take care of necessary tasks...but I can also take more time to listen, let my heart lead, and ask God to show me when I need to respond.
It's not simple, but it is.
He's asking me how great my love is. He's pushing me to reach out when I most want to retreat. This crazy, unpredictable life is the one I've got, I need to make the most of it-tantrums and all.
Thank-you for sharing these words. They are comfort and a gentle reminder for me today. We have tantrums too and they make me angry or wallow in guilt that I'm not doing something right. I appreciate your honest outlook on being a mama!
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