Growing Out of Failure

There are lots of times where I feel like if I could make a list of all my shortcomings, they would definitely outnumber the few meager accomplishments I may have.

Lately, I have found myself wallowing in some sort of self-induced pity over my current inability to "get it together." Honestly, I don't know what "it" I am trying to "get together", but the two things just don't seem to want to match up.

 I take mental pictures of all my failures: laundry stacked up in the bedroom needing to be put away, toys scattered throughout rooms, sticky floors from cups spilling, an unloaded dishwasher, a pitiful supper thrown together at the last minute, walls without decoration, cards waiting to be addressed and stuck in the mail, beds unmade, smudged mirrors, a ring around a bathtub. I think you get the picture...or pictures. It isn't pretty to me. It feels less than...like I am incapable of having a nice orderly home where I haven't left a Happy Birthday sign hanging for a month (no exaggeration there-Aidan just asked me why I took it down and wanted to know if it wasn't his birthday anymore).

Then there are things you can't take pictures of: nasty attitudes, screaming children, ungratefulness, bitterness, irrational words spoken, anger that bubbles over, mini meltdowns, constant bickering between siblings... And it feels again like failure.

My fault.

I should have this down. I need to get it together.

Why do I yell right at the end of my prayer for help? Why can I not calmly respond to my child's constant demands? Why is it so hard?

It might just be that it is. It might be that it won't change. It might be that no matter how hard I work and how much I try to appear more "together" there really is no way to attain that. Maybe I am not supposed to. Maybe I need to shift my focus. Stop tearing myself down. Maybe if I looked through a different lens, saw the beauty in the midst of the ugly, maybe then I would change.

It may not be so hard to be who I need to be if I could stop making myself less than I am. I need to accept the way things appear and accept who I am in the middle of it all. I need to be okay with imperfection. I need to allow myself to be human, to need grace, to fight for love even when so much seems unlovely.

I love knowing that's how grace works. From the way it appears, I don't deserve a whole lot, but grace comes in and says that I am enough. Grace says that I can make it through another day and that maybe this time I will be just a little more patient. Grace says that there is forgiveness for the things that happened yesterday, there is even more for those that will happen today, and more available tomorrow.

So, I don't have to get my "it" together. Nothing I do to work towards those things will bring the ultimate glory. There is no prize for the cutest house or the most well-behaved children. I just need to focus on my Savior, follow His lead.

May my ultimate prize be that I learned how to love during the unlovely moments, that I learned to forgive myself for my "failures," that I let go of my need for control and order and simply let grace take its place in my life.