Wretched Like Me

Growing up in a family that was heavily involved in Christian ministry, I was pretty much constantly surrounded by Gospel living. I went to a private Christian school within that community and most of my friends were from families also heavily involved in ministry. It was a living, breathing,, disciple building atmosphere. I loved it.

As a child, serving God was easy. I had everything I needed. I had Godly parents to train me, a church to attend, friends who uplifted me, and a great school. It was a pleasure to be a Christ follower. And, I knew that it wasn't the case for everyone. I was naive in a lot of ways, but I had heard my fair share of "sinner" stories. I was always grateful that "I didn't have to be saved from something major" that "I had just always been a Christian." I continued to think this way for many years of my life. Always thanking God that I was never having to be freed from some addiction, rescued from a bad relationship, or in such a low place that God was my last hope. I was something of an "elite" Christian. I had never known an ultimate low. I just always "had God."

It's almost funny to me now, although a little sad. I don't really think I was wrong in my thoughts and behavior. I was truly grateful for God having kept me from spiraling into sin. The only problem was that I just did not have a good sense of how great the Gospel really is. I accepted, believed, and confessed it. I knew that it was the greatest gift, that it was the "good news" that made life worth living. I just did not realize how much I actually needed it until I matured more.

Amazing grace
How sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me

I sang that hymn time and again, believing that I had been saved, but not recognizing my own wretchedness. I had never done anything entirely bad. I sinned for sure, but it was mostly small offenses. It was easy for me to feel forgiven because I didn't see the weight of my sin to be just as horrible and ugly as anyone else's.

I don't know if this is a typical response to sin for kids growing up the way I did. I think it is easy to sometimes fool yourself into thinking that somehow you don't need saving as much as the next guy.

Oh, but how wrong I have been.

Realizing my absolute wretchedness, sinfulness, and separation from God makes me that much more desiring of the Gospel and grace that is offered to me. I have come to see it more and more as I grow older. The person I used to think was "pretty good" is still so needy for God. I am just as needy as the rapist, as the murderer, as the addicted soul. I am no better in my sin. He came to save us all and even if our offenses seem "less" they still are.

All have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.

 There is nothing more glorious or glamorous about my "lack of sin." Sinner. That is all. We are all wretched and in need of a Savior.

But this news does not make me feel a sense of foreboding or despair because it is the greatest news of all! A Savior came for ALL and I am just as in need of Him as anybody else. His robes of righteousness cover my sin and make what was once crimson as white as snow. He doesn't hold back or play favorites, He gives this gift freely.

And as if in response to my own thoughts, these same words and ideas jumped out at me again during Day 2 of the She Reads Truth study of Hosea.

The blog post accompanying today's reading was really spot on with my thought processes the last few days.

Here's just a little snippet:

"Being found isn’t as beautiful if you don’t admit you were once lost. Receiving sight isn’t so miraculous if you weren’t once blind. Being a people of His own possession, adopted by a Heavenly and righteous Father, named as daughters of the King Almighty—those things aren’t as incredible if we don’t look full-on at the bad news first. To embrace the gospel-richness of Hosea, we must first embrace that this book is about you and me.

Once we were not His people.

Just like Hosea willingly chose Gomer—even more so—the Lord looked upon us and saw fit to make us His people. This should cause us to marvel at His goodness and give Him praise! Never once did our Father flinch at the plan (after all, it was His to begin with!) to reach out and retrieve us from a life of isolation and rebellion and make us His people."

The first sentence sums it up well for me...."Being found isn't as beautiful if you don't admit you were once lost." I have found that the older I get, the more I see my "lost" ways, my wretched heart, and need for a Savior. And all the more then I can marvel at the beauty of what He has done!

What this life asks of me

Well, it's definitely no big news around here that we deal with our fair share of tantrums on a daily basis. We are actually perfecting the art of tantrum throwing and will be starting a class on "How to Scream So Loud You Cannot Hear Anything at All" or for an alternate title, we are also considering, "How to Never Get Your Way But Still Reach Your Emotional Outburst Quota of the Day."

So, in this intense season of tantrum perfection God has been speaking to my heart.

Just little things here and there, but the impact has been BIG.

It's hard to love someone who pushes against your will. It just is.

Yes, I love always, I say. But sometimes I don't like. But, is it just that? Or am I choosing only to love the lovely, and cringe, roll my eyes, and throw my own gnarly big person fit when my world gets a little rocked?

The answer there scares me.

I don't want my love to be with conditions.

So, if love means playing that I am Aladdin and asking Jasmine "Do you trust me?" so that we can go on our 1,258th carpet ride of the day, then so be it.

If it means I cuddle longer, kiss little hands, look deep in to blue eyes and say, "I love you so much!" then let it be.

Tonight, as I cuddled the warm sweet bundle of my 3 year old daughter, lying in her toddler bed with my legs dangling over at the knees, and my face covered with soft blonde hair, I smelled her sweet breath and heard her snores as her body relaxed and drifted into sleep. The same little sweetness that just moments ago wanted to talk about "Puddleglum" from C.S. Lewis' "The Silver Chair" while rubbing my back.

 I almost missed it.

I wanted her to just go to sleep already so I could get busy with my "me" time.

Yet, this stirring, this call to love more, deeper, and unselfish has unsettled me. I can't say no as easily or push aside the neediness with excuses of laundry and dishes piled high.

Yes, there are things that need to get done. I can't just play all day and not take care of necessary tasks...but I can also take more time to listen, let my heart lead, and ask God to show me when I need to respond.

It's not simple, but it is.

He's asking me how great my love is. He's pushing me to reach out when I most want to retreat. This crazy, unpredictable life is the one I've got, I need to make the most of it-tantrums and all.

He Giveth More Grace

Oh to live life in a way that I could fully embrace and understand grace!

This 3 kid gig has been stretching me in ways that I had not quite imagined. I find myself needing an extra hand or two, but having to do with what I've got instead. :)

There have been times of desperate brokenness, a feeling like I can't do one more thing for one more person, and a pouring out of myself to such a degree that I hardly recognize who I am. Sounds a little extreme, I know, but that is where I've found myself at times.

One night, after having spent most of the day holding a screaming baby, cleaning up potty accidents, and disciplining my oldest, I fell to my knees in my bedroom, lifted my arms in surrender, and just asked the Lord (in my very desperate voice) to please help me. I didn't even know how I wanted Him to do it, just to HELP in any way. This became my cry for days on end as we struggled through some very tough weeks with everyone.

In the midst of it all, I found my prayers were changing. They were more like "Lord, change me...help me to love, help me to be thankful..." instead of "Please help this baby to stop crying and go to sleep,"  and "Please help my children to stop doing things to hurt each other!" I saw a softening of my heart that I had not felt in awhile. I was embracing them even when I didn't feel like it, thanking God for them when they were driving me to utter madness, and loving them even when they were throwing themselves on the floor and screaming about everything I was doing to ruin their lives.

I found that speaking things regardless of my feelings helped me even more. I would smile and say, "Do you know that Mommy loves you so much?" when my middle child was crying for the thousandth time about something silly. I would tell them that they were God's gifts to me so that I could remember it and treat them like it, instead of acting like they were nuisances in my life. And even though I still felt poured out in every way, I was able to actually receive the grace that was waiting there for me.

Now, I haven't been doing this perfectly and there are days that I react wrongly, that I forget their value, and I lose it over something small. Then, I laugh a little and think that God must see me as a tantrum throwing 3 year old sometimes...and how embarrassing that must be for me even though I don't see it. Yet, He loves me through the roller coaster of it all.

A couple weeks ago I went to Pennsylvania to visit my mom's side of the family for my cousin's wedding and Grandma's 80th birthday. While we were there we had this wonderful time singing hymns together. My aunt had printed out some copies of one of my Grandma's favorites, one I had never heard before. As they sang, tears were starting to fill my eyes as I realized that this song was for me. I brought home the words so I could read them again.

He Giveth More Grace

He giveth more grace as our burdens grow greater,
He sendeth more strength as our labors increase;
To added afflictions He addeth His mercy,
To multiplied trials he multiplies peace.

When we have exhausted our store of endurance,
When our strength has failed ere the day is half done,
When we reach the end of our hoarded resources
Our Father's full giving is only begun.

Fear not that thy need shall exceed His provision,
Our God ever yearns His resources to share;
Lean hard on the arm everlasting, availing;
The Father both thee and they load will upbear.

His love has no limits, His grace has no measure,
His power no boundary known unto men;
For out of His infinite riches in Jesus
He giveth, and giveth, and giveth again.

Just me...being real

Call it what you may...third trimester stress, preschool aged children, endless household projects, and all around busy-ness...but I've been in a cycle of little control, lots of stress, and overall disorganization.

The funny thing in all of this is that I am desperately trying to get organized. I make lists, I conquer, I clean all day, and then there is just more to do. And more. It doesn't stop. And sometimes I feel like having lists only makes it more overwhelming.

My kids are needy. Aren't they all? But wait, my kids are more needy than yours. :) We're going through this stage of stretching as my oldest is muddling through understanding boundaries, respecting authority, and practicing kindness to his sister. While on the other hand, the littlest one is pushing for independence, tantrum perfecting, and very much wanting her way. I find that most days I feel like sitting on the floor and crying. Instead, I am trying very hard to manage them while feeling very much so like I am failing.

And then there is the belly. This huge belly that gets in the way of things and feels uncomfortable. I want to be me again. My body. And yet there is a wonderful beautiful child in there that I have spent less time marveling over than I should. Where, oh, where is my grateful heart?

The fact is, most of my problems come down to not spending enough time with Jesus. You see...everybody needs me ALL THE TIME. I hit the ground running and I feel bedraggled and worn out. I have this list too. This unending list of things to do...oh, and God did you hear that child screaming just now? I am full of excuses and unable to clear my mind for a moment to hear Him.

So, after another long week of doing it myself and feeling forlorn I opened up a devotional and read this.

"Bring me your mind for rest and renewal. Let me infuse My Presence into your thoughts. As your mind stops racing, your body relaxes and you regain awareness of Me. This awareness is vital to your spiritual well-being; it is your lifeline, spiritually speaking....This was part of my original design for mankind. Adam and Eve used to walk with me in the garden, before their expulsion from Eden. I want you to walk with Me in the garden of your heart, where I have taken up permanent residence."

Be still my heart.

I love the way that the Lord speaks in different ways.

Interestingly this spoke to my needs better than I even understood them. I have said several times in the last couple of weeks that I just feel like my mind is muddled, like I'm trudging through murky waters and I can't seem to get it together, that even reading my Bible seems like a disjointed exercise. I very much want to be engaging my mind and receiving from the Lord, but I really need to clean out my mind. I need to seek renewal.

Renew me oh God.

I know that I won't be clicking my heels and finding a checked off list and a sparkling clean house any time soon, but my desire is that my heart's desire would be more to soak in His Presence, to "walk with [Him] in the garden of [my] heart" and not try to fix the world's (or at least my own little world's) problems.

Oh let it be.

What they don't tell you about being a parent...

...or at least what you don't hear beyond all the excitement of baby shoes and pink onesies, is that parenting is the hardest thing you will ever do. Well, it is for me anyway.

Lately, being a parent has been more like a pouring out of myself until I am dry, weary, and so tired, I can't think straight. Sometimes I just want to push pause and come back to this parenting thing when I feel more prepared.

There have been conversations I haven't been ready for (more on that later), failing discipline tactics, my own frustration/anger issues, weariness of 24/7 care for needy little ones, and a pile of parenting books on my bedside table glaring at me.

There are tremendous joys to parenting, but that's not what I am focusing on today. I mean, I am aware of them and not blocking them out, but I just want to be transparent with the hard side...the pull out your hair, curl up in a ball and cry because you don't know what to do side.

Parenting sometimes baffles me. It is the most intense wonderful thing to love these little versions of us. It brings a heart warmth between spouses and smiles of wonder and joy at how amazing the whole process of birth and growth is. BUT, then there are times where you just wish those kids would feed themselves, and stop yelling, fighting, biting, grabbing, standing on you, spilling things, etc...

Yes, this comes from a weary soul today. My child has been waking up in the night for almost a week now...and like waking up repeatedly. I think I'd rejoice if I actually got 4 hours of straight sleep. And in this whole puzzlement of what the problem is, there is also this insane amount of energy and hyperactivity that corresponds with an overtired individual. While I am dragging myself around and trying to just keep us all alive, I've got a 4 year old jumping on the couch, running into walls, tackling his sister, etc...

I don't know why sometimes parenting can squeeze you so tight you feel like you've given your every last drop of being to someone else. I don't know if it's in that pouring out, that weakening of body, mind, and spirit, where we can be drawn into something much bigger than ourselves.

I know that I can't do this alone. I feel it intensely in these moments. I need the Source of all things to fill me up so that I can keep on. And while I wish there was a magic clicking of my heels that could change it all and make it better, I know that in these desperate moments I can either let myself fall or find myself carried by One that knows greater than I what needs to be done.

This adventure is not something you can do on your own. I am certain of it.

"It's so nice that you can do that"

I feel like I get a lot of interesting responses to my staying home with the children. It's not like it's a foreign concept, but when I am asked "What do you do?" and my reply is, "I stay at home with my children," the general response is "It's so nice that you can do that."

Honestly, I struggle with how to answer to this. Usually, I nod, and say, "Yes, it is a privilege."

BUT....

I want to say a lot more.

I feel like a lot of people imagine that if you are staying home then your husband must make a ton of money to support your family and that it is so nice that you are able to do that. I get that vibe a lot. Oh, how nice for you! You are able to stay home and don't need to work because your one income meets all your needs. 


HOWEVER,

the truth of the matter is that I choose to stay home with my children and it is not without its sacrifices. Staying home with my children means not having cable, or a smart phone, driving a car that is 10+ years old, not having 2 vehicles (thankfully, we do now), not going out to eat very often (unless it's free, cheap, or with coupons), not eating as much meat, not buying things new, and so much more. And I am okay with that. I don't need a lot of those things. I enjoy buying things used and I am not ashamed to shop at garage sales. I am okay with driving an older car and I am okay with making whatever financial sacrifices possible to be at home. It is a privilege, but one that I have deemed important enough to make happen. I believe that most people can make it work and can make that choice too. I realize that some situations are more difficult than others, but we have been in difficult financial situations where my having a full-time job seemed the best answer and we still didn't jump on board. I value this time with my children. I don't want to give that to anyone else. I don't want to miss these moments. And I don't think I'll ever look back and wish I had more money or less financial stress (would be nice for sure). I will however regret not spending these years with my family.

I realize this post may be controversial and offensive to some. It is really just the way I see things and I understand that others don't agree. I don't think any less of my mom friends that work outside of the home. I personally know that I could not balance both and feel like I was giving enough to my family. So, for me, this works.

It's not easy, but for our family, it's what's best.

Growing Out of Failure

There are lots of times where I feel like if I could make a list of all my shortcomings, they would definitely outnumber the few meager accomplishments I may have.

Lately, I have found myself wallowing in some sort of self-induced pity over my current inability to "get it together." Honestly, I don't know what "it" I am trying to "get together", but the two things just don't seem to want to match up.

 I take mental pictures of all my failures: laundry stacked up in the bedroom needing to be put away, toys scattered throughout rooms, sticky floors from cups spilling, an unloaded dishwasher, a pitiful supper thrown together at the last minute, walls without decoration, cards waiting to be addressed and stuck in the mail, beds unmade, smudged mirrors, a ring around a bathtub. I think you get the picture...or pictures. It isn't pretty to me. It feels less than...like I am incapable of having a nice orderly home where I haven't left a Happy Birthday sign hanging for a month (no exaggeration there-Aidan just asked me why I took it down and wanted to know if it wasn't his birthday anymore).

Then there are things you can't take pictures of: nasty attitudes, screaming children, ungratefulness, bitterness, irrational words spoken, anger that bubbles over, mini meltdowns, constant bickering between siblings... And it feels again like failure.

My fault.

I should have this down. I need to get it together.

Why do I yell right at the end of my prayer for help? Why can I not calmly respond to my child's constant demands? Why is it so hard?

It might just be that it is. It might be that it won't change. It might be that no matter how hard I work and how much I try to appear more "together" there really is no way to attain that. Maybe I am not supposed to. Maybe I need to shift my focus. Stop tearing myself down. Maybe if I looked through a different lens, saw the beauty in the midst of the ugly, maybe then I would change.

It may not be so hard to be who I need to be if I could stop making myself less than I am. I need to accept the way things appear and accept who I am in the middle of it all. I need to be okay with imperfection. I need to allow myself to be human, to need grace, to fight for love even when so much seems unlovely.

I love knowing that's how grace works. From the way it appears, I don't deserve a whole lot, but grace comes in and says that I am enough. Grace says that I can make it through another day and that maybe this time I will be just a little more patient. Grace says that there is forgiveness for the things that happened yesterday, there is even more for those that will happen today, and more available tomorrow.

So, I don't have to get my "it" together. Nothing I do to work towards those things will bring the ultimate glory. There is no prize for the cutest house or the most well-behaved children. I just need to focus on my Savior, follow His lead.

May my ultimate prize be that I learned how to love during the unlovely moments, that I learned to forgive myself for my "failures," that I let go of my need for control and order and simply let grace take its place in my life.

Just Be

This is an old pic...back when Nora's hair stood up straight all the time. But I can't help but loving it...even in all it's semi-blurriness.

It helps redirect my thinking when I look at pictures of my kids. I so often get caught up in "getting things done" or come up with one more hobby or project or idea that distracts me from being present...being here.

Deep rest is hard to find sometimes...not the kind that comes in long hours of interrupted sleep, but the soul kind, the kind that is peace-filled and full...that ever present knowing that God is with you.

I try and find that peace every morning in the quick moments of bellies filling up on oatmeal, spoons clinking on bowls, and morning t.v.

It is my quiet. My rest. I read and hurry, meditate, pour some coffee, and journal. I wipe sticky fingers, and sit again. Looking for that peace, that rest, the calm before the storm of my day.

So often I can get caught in the race to read through emails, glance at a magazine, and start morning dishes while my breakfast is hot. Shoveling mouthfuls and as I walk around  doing...not being.


Be still....

find that place and let the warmth of peace flood into your being so that you can go forth and do what you are called to in this day.

How Deep the Father's Love for Us

Sometimes it takes hurtful things happening to see a closer glimpse into the Father's heart for His children.

I took the kids to the park today and we hadn't been there long before they wanted to eat their picnic lunch. Some of the older kids were climbing on the picnic table and I let Nora up there as well because I knew if I deterred her, she would probably try climbing herself and I didn't want her to get hurt. It's funny how in hindsight, I should have been thinking clearer, but I guess I wasn't.

The inevitable happened. Just as I was reaching to stop her from scooting too far back, she pushed away from me and fell backwards off the top of the table, smacked into the bench, and then twisted and fell face first on the concrete. It was so fast, but so slow. I was yelling and trying to grab her, but I couldn't. And it happened and in the short moment, I felt a horrible fear and panic. I scooped her up and she was bleeding and crying, and her face was dirty and I just held her in my arms comforting the sobs, thankful she was coherent.

She is now home napping, with big scrapes on her face, a bloody finger, and a swollen little eye. As I held her in my arms and rocked her to sleep, I couldn't help but touch the sore places and thank the Lord that she was okay.

Nothing hurts worse than your kids hurting. Or getting hurt. Or seeing them get hurt and not being able to do anything about it.

And then I thought of the Father God watching his Son Jesus be crucified and knowing that He couldn't do anything about it because it was His predestined purpose. I can't imagine the agony. My split second  experience seeing my child fall so helplessly was nothing compared to the torture and pain of the crucifixion. How deep His love. How vast beyond all measure. It is. I know it must be. I cannot imagine anything worse, but it was done for us.

I sit in awe of the One who loved so much He suffered the giving of His child, the pain of sacrifice.

How can I ever question the love of God? It is beyond anything I can imagine.

The sweet things in life

I have been really learning a lot how to enjoy the small everyday moments with my kids, the wake up early in the morning and jump in our bed moments, the crying in the night and needing to be rocked moments, the needing to be held right now moments, the I just want you to read me a book moments. These moments are precious, they are flying by.

I am so grateful for fresh perspective. And a lot of that starts with prayer. I am finding myself sleepily offering thanks to the Lord at 4am while I rock a restless baby back to sleep. I smile instead of groan when little feet come padding into my room before the sun comes up wanting to "cuddle" in bed, which really results in giggling, bouncing, and talking. I cherish those moments of little voices asking questions and innocent hearts that need to be treasured and directed.

I know I still have a lot of growing to do and I am thankful that I am ever changing, moving more toward the mother I desire to be. There are moments that I certainly feel overwhelmed, guilty, and out of control. I respond harshly or forget to add a measure of grace to my discipline. I just flat out fail at making the right choice under stress. I feel disgruntled rather than blessed, stressed out instead of at peace.

Praying through my day opens my eyes to more of the little blessings. It allows me to see the power of grace in moments of chaos. It gives me strength to change one more diaper, clean up another spilled drink, or fish toilet paper rolls out of the toilet. It allows me to feel at peace in the middle of the night when I hear my children crying, or when I don't get that break I so longed for in the day. It awakens my soul to the beauty that is developing before my eyes, to the amazing revelation of God's goodness that is constantly before me.

My prayer is that my focus may always be on what is eternal, that my heart would be tender towards my children, that there would always be time for one more story, one more hug, and one more kiss. That I wouldn't base my reactions on feelings, but strive to put God and my children first. I want to look back on these years and know that I didn't just rush through them trying to get everybody potty trained and off to school. I just want to be in these moments...really truly in them.

A day in the life: Tuesday

Good morning!

I thought it would be fun to document one of our days so I can remember what a typical day looks like with a 3 year old and 1 year old. Funny thing is, the day I chose turned out to be anything but typical.

3:45am - Nora cries, rock her for 20 min. and then back to bed.
6:50am- Aidan wakes up, I get up, start getting ready.
7:26am- I make the typical every day breakfast of oatmeal-one pot, 3 bowls, one 1/2 mashed banana

7:30am-Nora is awake. She goes from sleepy tired sweet baby....

to this...

Must have breakfast now, Mama!

7:45am-Seth gets Aidan fed (it is sad, but we feed the child pretty much every morning) and I feed the baby girl.

Much better!

7:56am-We head out the door to take Seth to pick up our car (now fixed). 

8:35am-Arrive at car dealership, it's raining, drop Seth off and head back to preschool.

9:08am-Time for school!

 Love this! They walked in holding hands! (and yes, Nora is still in her pj's)

9:15am-Call from Seth-car now has another problem, need to go pick him up.

9:40am-Get to dealership, pick up Seth, and start heading to his work (45 minutes away-UGH!) Nora is screaming, hungry, and tired of the car.

10:05am-Stop at the mall for a snack, diaper change, and a little stretching of the legs.

Bribery!

11:05am-Finally arrive at Seth's work and turn back around to pick up Aidan.

11:40am-At the preschool a little early, play with the baby girl who is still in pj's and eating greasy Auntie Ann's pretzels for lunch. :)

12:05pm-Drive home with the kids, eat more pretzels.

12:25pm-At home finally (whew!) and now for naptime! Rock and nurse the baby girl and put her in bed.

12:45pm-Get Aidan in bed

1:15pm-Nora wakes up from her nap, Aidan gets up with his 5th need/demand of the afternoon

1:20pm-I call my mom for some support...Nora cries off and on. I start getting my chicken ready for roasting.

2:30pm-Nora is up. Aidan gets up a few minutes later, wet. 

2:33pm-Strip the bed, bathe the boy, start the laundry, check on chicken. Check, check, check, and, check.

3:30pm-Chicken done, snack time done.

3:30-5pm- Play, cry, pick up toys, repeat.
5:00pm-Daddy is home! (Can I please collapse?)

Our evenings go mostly like this- eat dinner, play outside, get ready for bed.

 "Step"-Nora's latest word

 Bubbles! 

 "Need more help Daddy!"

8-9pm This is the hour where we are putting Aidan back in bed, rocking screaming babies, cleaning up the kitchen, and picking up toys. It is the wind-down hour in our home.

And this is what awaits me! 

 I think I went to bed at 9:30 on this night, but typically I got to bed around 11:30. I spend the later night hours crocheting, cleaning, sewing, or watching something with the husband.

Whew, what a day!

Reality Check.

Sometimes I go back and read my past entries and smile, thinking to myself how lovely everything seems (except for those random Ican'tstandmychildanylonger posts).

The reality with me is this...

I have so far to come in learning to trust the Lord. And, I really stink at it most days.

The biggest thing going on in life besides the fact that I am still not getting consistent sleep at night is the fact that our house has still NOT SOLD. Nada, nothing, blah, blah, blah. This is the greatest frustration of my daily life.

Now, I have wavered back and forth between feeling hopeful, trusting, and confident in the Lord's provision regardless the outcome.....and feeling mad, frustrated, and absolutely hopeless. If it is not one extreme it seems to be the other.

You see folks...this decision to move was HUGE for us. It was also not easily made. We were kinda stuck financially and the promotion was really great...but the move was the controversial issue.

So, here we sit. 7 months later. We moved here and I just knew that God would provide a buyer soon after....but nope, that didn't happen. And, I don't handle things well when they don't go according to the plan...you know, the plan, the one that I have for my life. Can't God just do what I want? I mean, come one now, it seems perfectly reasonable... Wouldn't He want to remove this HUGE stressor? We have been struggling as we pay both a mortgage and rent, have one car, live in a small apartment that we obviously have outgrown... BUT that really doesn't matter.

The fact that the house selling pretty much allows me to feel like I can't start living my life here, does not mean that I can't start living, growing, and learning what God wants me too. I hate feeling stuck, but I've allowed myself to get really stuck. Because I feel stuck financially, and out of control because of the huge unknown of the house situation, I feel like I am stuck between a mountain and mountain and have thrown up my hands and started to wallow in self-pity.

REALITY CHECK.

My life might be made a whole ton of a lot simpler if the house sells. We may just be able to make future decision regarding a car, what to do when our lease is up in a couple months, preschool etc...We also might feel a LOT more freedom financially.

These are not Kingdom things. These are temporal. They have no weight in eternity. But, I am so caught up in them at times, I can't seem to get my head straight.

And then I hear about my friend's 4 month old baby that has cancer, or see the devastation of tornadoes, or hear about house fires....and I know my situation is lovely in comparison. I can deal with this. I can respond to the Lord and focus on TODAY. I don't need to constantly wonder and worry about tomorrow. I don't need to know the when. Abraham waited years for God's promise of a son. But God always makes good on His promises.

Well, there's my little soapbox...

Just needed to preach to myself a little bit there.

Reflection and Resolution

I have been hesitant to blog as the beginning of the year approached. 2010 was a rough year for me. There were a lot of challenges and changes that pushed me to grow and stretch. I didn't really like it that much.

The year started off with a bang and positive pregnancy test. It was exciting and awesome to think we were going to have another baby. Then, we celebrated 3 years of marriage. First trimester sickness kicked in. Seth started school and was gone A LOT. I was watching Aidan and Oakley all day and battling through the beginning of my pregnancy. Rough. I ate lots of ice cream. I eventually started feeling better. Aidan turned 2. Seth got a job offer at work. We worked hard on our house. Aidan had his first stomach flu. I quit my job watching Oakley. Seth accepted the offer. We planned for our move. Seth was gone 1/2 of August. I landed myself in the hospital with early contractions. We packed. Nora was born after a fast 3 hour labor. We packed some more. We moved. MOVED. We left friends and family behind. Aidan went through really rough patch of acting out. Our house would not sell. We prayed. We lowered our price again and again. Spent Thanksgiving alone. Figuring out life with one car. Making friends. New church. Trusting God. Financial burden of house ever-looming. Christmas with Seth's family. New Year's alone. Waiting. Watching. Thanking God for bring us through and for what He has yet to do in our lives.

So, 2011 is here. Our house has still not sold and we have dropped our price so much that we are swimming against the current. The outlook is not exactly positive, but we are still trusting, growing with the Lord. I look to 2011 and see a lot of impossible, but know that with God all things are possible.

Some goals for me personally....

1)Spend more time in intercession.
2)Faithfully implement a preschool program with Aidan
3)Love my kids and serve them no matter how I feel
4)Be a better spouse
5)Start a ministry for young mothers
6)Potty train Aidan
7)Visit the beach with the kids
8)Get Nora to take a bottle!
9)Read more
10)Develop my sewing skills
11)Blog more
12) Exercise and eat healthy foods to get in pre-children shape
13)Serve more
14)Take a road trip
15)Start a business
16)Spend Thanksgiving and Christmas with family! :)
17)Play/sing with Seth; write songs together
18)Sleep through the night
19)Run a 5k
20)Find a more permanent home for our family here in SC

Settling

We are still far from settled here in South Carolina, but things are coming together. There are a lot of changes for us, but we've been enjoying the new experiences with our small family. We've had lots of time together and have been able to focus a lot of attention on the kids. It is nice not having to pack every night or send Aidan off to the grandparent's to be out of our way. We've had lots of dance parties to music, walks outside, and trips to the grocery store. We are making new memories for sure.

Nora is sleeping some in the evenings...still takes her some time to get settled, but it is nice to have some time with both kids asleep. I just started Jillian Michael's 30 Day Shred and am hoping to get back in shape again. I woke this morning with aching muscles, so that was a good sign. :) I've been crafting some too. Just finished a cute little newborn newsie hat...needs a couple finishing touches, but I'll post a pic soon. I am working towards building an Etsy shop soon. Oh, and Nora is now on a 3 hour schedule during the day and waking only once in the night to eat. I have not been sleeping as well due to her being moved back into our room since the move, but I am sure a long night's sleep is in my near future.

Reality.

I am ready for a new normal. Or just a normal.

Life has been a little crazy over here lately.

Nora had a upset tummy last night and was awake from 7-12:30am. The poor thing just wanted to be held and she would not go to sleep. I think she is sensitive to a few things in my diet and I'm having to adjust to that so she doesn't have so much gas. Anyway, so I was up late, then up in early morning hours to feed her, then Aidan was up super early announcing a dirty diaper and a need for "bitacins" (vitamins). I was exhausted at the start of the day. Nora was completely off her schedule and Aidan was incredibly naughty. I did get a lot of packing done though, thanks to my mom and mom-in-law.

The house is still on the market and we've reduced our price several times now trying to get more showings. It is hard to be in limbo with that whole thing, but I am still trusting God to help us sell it soon. I would love to have an offer by the time we leave, but that is about 10 days away, so we'll see what happens.

I am ready to be in South Carolina. Not ready to leave family, but ready to be done trying to pack my house with a toddler and newborn. I am ready to embrace the newness of this chapter in life and start the adjustment period with my children. I am not ready to be sad. To miss friends. To learn a new city. But I know that there will be good and bad all mixed in together.

Today of all days, Nora smiled at me...twice. And it made the day seem so much brighter...and gave me such hope for the future.

This is me.

I am a work in progress. Especially when it comes to being a mother.

Some days are just hard. Disobedience is rampant in my home. I feel like I can't deal with things properly and I give into anger and frustration. Then, I feel guilty. I get mad at myself for not running to the Lord and letting him soften my heart and direct me in my discipline tactics. Instead, I get angry and say things that I don't mean to, raise my voice, or throw my hands up in the air.

I wish I was better at surrender. I need the Lord's grace more than ever right now as I deal with sleep deprivation and constant demands. We've been having sleep issues with Aidan recently and it really has been taking its toll on me. I can deal with one little being waking me up, but two kinda puts me over the edge. It's not so much that we have 2 children now, because I don't find that necessarily too difficult. It's just that 2 1/2 year olds are difficult to manage sometimes...especially ours. I love him dearly, but today it is hard to like him.

This is me....being honest. Needing some respite from the craziness of this day. Lord give us all peace and joy amidst the trials....oh, and a little sleep might help too.

More Crafty Crafty Stuff and A Very Long Day

So, yesterday I had a sudden hot flash. It was weird. I thought I was going to go insane. Then, my feet swelled up and I developed some lovely cankles. I had just been noticing how skinny my ankles had stayed throughout this pregnancy. Well, hello, water retention. I cannot hide from the loveliness of the last few weeks of pregnancy. The cankles are still there today and don't look like any amount of propping up with help. I am officially ready to have this baby.

Today was a very long day. A long day of feeling like a failing parent, being frustrated, irritable, swollen, and just plain crazy. Aidan must sense the impending change because he is getting beyond difficult to manage right now. I feel like all I did today was discipline, or not discipline him when I needed to. He got a chair, climbed onto the counter, got some matches, lit one, and dropped it onto a candle. This happened while I turned my back for all of 60 seconds. I think it must have scared him a bit and hurt his finger a little because he was sure upset about it, as was I. I felt like a horrible parent, then I felt enraged. I am hoping that he is cured of that particular curiosity, but I fear not.

Nesting is my new passion in life. This afternoon I made granola and muffins. I also did 5 loads of laundry, made dinner, cooked up a bunch of ground beef and chicken, went grocery shopping, cleaned out the freezer, tidied up the pantry, and cleaned up the kitchen. I am now officially pooped, well sort of. I still have a few things to do....like eat cereal and get my crafting on. I am working on a blanket for the little one and it is not quite halfway done yet. I also have a few other projects in the works as well.

Home Again

Seth got home at 12:30 a.m. So happy he is here and that he will be here until the baby is born.

Aidan woke up at 1:30, 2:00, 2:30, 3:00, and 4:15 a.m. Seth got up the first 2 times, but didn't hear him the other times. Let's just say that I got little to no sleep last night. I also almost got stuck in the rocking chair with a 30 pound sleeping toddler in my arms. It was no easy feat to maneuver my big pregnant self out of the chair. Apparently, all of this waking had to do with "monsters." We learned this fact this morning from the little stinker himself. He wasn't sick, thank God, but "scared of monsters." Great! This is going to be a new challenge to walk through.

We took a nice family walk to the park. The breeze was so nice even though the sun was hot. I had lots of contractions.

Had our first showing of the house this afternoon. It was a no go. Happy to have a clean house though.

Ate dinner with Seth's family to celebrate his Dad's b-day. Had ice cream from Sonic and came home.

Aidan pooped out into his carseat.

Seth and I watched Friday Night Lights while I worked on some fun crochet projects. Made another super cute headband and started working on a diaper cover.

So tired and hoping for sleep to come easily tonight.

In a nutshell: Major life update

Back on track to South Carolina. There are many reasons for this and I don't have to time to hash it all out, but we are trusting that this is what the Lord has planned for us.

Everything finalized today and we re-booked our house-hunting trip for this Wednesday-Saturday. Changed my midwife appt. They are a little apprehensive about the flight in my 33rd week so they are having me come in tomorrow afternoon to check up on me. If all goes well, than we are good to go.

We spent the weekend re-doing our kitchen floor. I mostly just observed, but man, was that a crazy project. Looks great though!

Tomorrow we plan to put our house for sale by owner and pray. If nothing happens we will continue to trust the Lord and pursue a new route.

Tonight we will do lots of yard work, sweat like crazy, and end with ice cream cones.

So blessed by the Lord. He has done great things in my heart this last week and I am continually reminded of His goodness and love. He is for us!

And I thought life wouldn't get any crazier...

On Thursday, our direction in life changed drastically.

We are staying. Here. Not moving. No new job. All plans halted.

We had one major financial concern that got addressed kinda last minute and we were given a 2 hour window to make this decision.

We are at peace. We are also completely unsure as to what the future holds.

It has been an interesting weekend.

My grandpa had brain surgery on Friday and is still struggling to get past a few humps and out of the ICU. We are still waiting on the results of the surgery.

My parents have both been gone and my sister has been staying with us since Thursday.

We are unsure as to how this new change in plans will affect the near future and are completely reliant on God for His direction and provision. Our financial situation is definitely rocky and Seth will find out today if he can go back to his old job or not (he's been working in the new position for 3 months on trial). I know the Lord will provide for us.